This blog entry has nothing to do with knitting. It has nothing to do with any of my interests, but it is a "getting something off my mind" entry. This something I've carried with me for over 20 years, and likely will carry with me for the rest of my life.
In my youth, I was married to a young man who loved me tremendously--unfortunately, we couldn't possibly stay together. I filed for divorce, and lived alone, with our son, for a couple of years.
And then I met my second husband. He was attractive to me and quite funny. My previous marriage had made me leery of getting hitched again, and there was just something in the back of my mind that just didn't seem quite right about "us". We had a relatively stormy relationship, but not impossibly so, and the storms were not necessarily what made me feel "this is NOT the one"--but something more to do with his behavior toward me, that caused me to feel uneasy.
I broke up with him for a short while, to try to find a new job in Florida (a proposition and story in it's own right), and failing that, moved back to Michigan and agreed to marry him.
I remember that he cried at our wedding. Suddenly, this upswing of deep emotion, and we said "I do" and all that stuff.
Six months after we married, I had settled into what I believed was a normal life together, only to have my entire world rocked off balance. Here's what happened.
I was outdoors, painting boards to use as shelves in my son's room. My husband was helping the next door neighbor girls get into their apartment. They had gone out drinking, and come home to find out that they'd locked themselves out. My husband hoisted the one girl in through the kitchen window, the only window left open in the house. She got some scrapes and bruises in the effort. She unlocked the door, and my husband and her roommate walked in.
A few moments later, the roommate comes over, a bit excitably, and tells me that I better not leave my husband and the other gal alone in their trailer. I asked "why", but she had been drinking, and didn't stay to answer the question, but seeing that I was somewhat occupied with a paintbrush, she ran back into the mobile home she shared with her roommate.
Later on, while washing dishes, I asked my husband what had happened over at the girl's trailer. He became instantly paranoid and asked me, completely afraid, why I'd ask about that! I replied that the roommate had come out and said that something was happening, and he flatly denied it, clearly upset and reacting a whole lot more overly paranoid about the entire affair. An argument ensued that lasted about 2 days, as I remember, with my final statement being that if he wanted her, that he'd have to leave me, and that basically he could have her.
He behaved as if he felt awful over the entire thing. (Years later, I found out that nothing had actually happened in the other mobile home, but the die was cast.) I forgave him for his indescretion, and we moved on. To my discredit, I was not able to forget the issue, and filed it away in case it ever happened again
I didn't know that he'd just gotten "sneakier" about things.
Near the end of our marriage, a young girl who was just entering the pipe band told me that my husband was "coming on" to her. This upset me quite a bit, and initially, I told her that she needed to get a backbone and tell him to buzz off. Unfortunately, she apparently wasn't up to the task. She proffered this "information" after a pipe band performance. We were at a restaurant and in the bathroom. There was no possibility for me to confront my husband then and there.
The restaurant burned down that day.
I'm not kidding.
A few days later, another argument ensued over something trivial at the time, and escalated into much more. I finally confronted him with my "information", and countered and re-countered with "who else", since now, it's been twice you've done this to me.
I had no idea that there were others. MANY others.
Other things occurred in the two weeks after that have caused me to be angry beyond belief for the last 20 years. He stalked me for 3 years after he left me and divorced me. He telephoned me, exactly one week to the DAY after I broke up with a gentleman friend, and I knew that he was STILL stalking me. He wanted to get together--he, his new "fiancee", and me. I denied him access. I still believe I was right to do so. I told him to marry his sweetie and to leave me alone.
He tried to corner me at a band function and I ran away from him, carrying my drum so I could run as far and as fast as I could go. His "fiancee" was there somewhere, and he was hoping to rub my nose in his "bliss". I'd have none of that mess.
I've spent the last 20 years or so, occasionally crying over the loss, but knowing that I could never give him the ability to hurt me again. I have found out over time that there were many such "come ons", and figure it was just a matter of time before he followed through.
He humiliated me in front of my friends. He stole my joy for many years (I did get some of it back finally), he lied to me, and then to his family to keep us apart. For the last 20 years, I have grieved the loss of something I thought was there, when it never really was.
I have spent much time, trying to figure out why I still feel the way that I do. I can only come up with the insane notion that if I allow myself to forget what he did to me, then he might (or someone else might) be able to get in there and do it all over again. It's not something I want to ever have happen again. I lost my mind the day he left me, and I've been trying to reconcile the man I thought I was married to, to the one who he actually is.
Beyond this, he has not changed one iota. He cheated on his second wife, and it's my opinion that he is cheating on his third wife. He works in an airport. You do the math.
Today, I spoke with his mother, and I asked her, point blank, why she thought that her son was so "afraid" of me. (Never mind that he's terrified that I'll tell his new wife what I saw at the airport last weekend!) All she said was "I think because it was such a bitter divorce."
Wait a minute!
HE DIVORCED ME? HOW CAN *he* CLAIM "bitter divorce". I didn't push the issue, because I felt or rather saw by her body language, that I'd put her in a difficult spot, but it just came out. And I don't consider myself "bitter" about the divorce. ANGRY, yes, insanely so at times. Means I still have a heart. Means that somehow I still care about it all. You know what? That just makes me all the angrier. To think that I might still care for the sneaking piece of pond scum just irritates me to no end. Would I take him back? Oh, my heaven's no. Emphatically NOT. So why carry the angst?
I can only say in my own defense that that is exactly why I still carry all the angst. To defend myself, should he ever TRY. Not that I believe he would--but I figure nothing in a skirt is unavailable to him (in HIS mind), and since I'm female...well, stranger things have happened.
But for HIM to think it was a bitter divorce...well, that just boggles my mind. I can only imagine what he's been telling people--especially his family--even my sister, who seemed to feel so sorry for HIM after all was said and done. My SISTER--whose husband "came on" to me so hard, that after he left her, and I told her, we could do nothing but commiserate about how perverted men are. (Yes, fellas, we really do talk about you!) I knew he was worse than pond scum when I met him. WHY couldn't I see it in my second husband?
The saga continues. I know that he will ultimately leave his third wife. Somehow, she will catch wind of his behavior--they are already having some serious problems. I know it won't be long, and I also know that I will be the first to hear about it. Do I relish the idea? No. If he's married, he has less chance to bother me. I want him...well...if I had to be honest, I want him six feet under where he can't bother anybody anymore. Would I take steps to do something to hurt him--no--He's not worth losing my life over anymore than he's already done. However, the "links" have returned to me. His family for instance, but I have to be careful how and what I do/say and when. I don't want to risk losing those relationships again.
And so I write about it here. Yesterday was the last time I shed a tear over issues relating to him. The anniversary of our breakup is approaching--I expect that by now, my emotions are tied to the seasons, and rather automatic, rather than from sensativity over it. It's been quite a while since I shed a tear over him, though, and I can only hope that the chasm will grow over the next several years as I re-establish my relationships with his family in ever deeper connections. Why do I do it? Because he lied, and he has had too long in his lying for me to let it rest even one more day.
It's likely that this will go with me to the grave. I still possess something of his. Whether he left it because he didn't want it anymore, or forgot it, I don't know. I've worn it, remembering the first time I wore it, and I smile.
For now..that's enough.
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