Stressed spelled backwards...

Whoever came up with this hogwash should be shot. I am so stressed right now that I am shaking. Work is backed up of course, and I feel like I have no room in my office. I am quite literally "WHELMED" rather than overwhelmed--because it sounds worse to be "whelmed" than to be overwhelmed....somehow.

I've been eating a lot of comfort food lately. Last week was a hard week, and I really haven't had the time to mourn or grieve--in fact, I haven't had much time to even think on my loss, and it rears up at the most inopportune moments.

I had a huge argument with my mother on mother's day...that I never intended to get caught up into again, but caught up into it I did--she really knows my buttons, and she pushes them without fail. No matter how adult I try to be, somehow she is able to corner me into this mentality where I just explode into a conniption, and I hate myself for falling for it every time. The only option is just to have nothing to do with either her or my son, but that's not going to fly--not even on a WINDY day!

How to get along with family members? I mean, I get it, okay? I don't play nice with people when I'm under pressure/stressed out/tired. When I am at my worst, that's the time they pick to start harping on me about this or that. Now, with Jeff, I can say "You know, I don't need you to harp on me (or nag me, or complain or get into my face, or b****) right now, because I'm in a MOOD!"

He knows when to shut up, bless his heart.

But my family--forget it. I suppose the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but I do feel proud of myself when I'm able to joust effectively, without attacking personally--while at the same time "ducking for cover" before it literally hits the fan.

Now, I'm hearing that my son blames me for all his personal problems. My mother is worried that when she's gone, I'm all he'll have (a hard truth), and if we don't have some sort of relationship before she goes, when she goes, he'll be all alone. Well, what she doesn't know is that if he writes me off, how is that my problem (or my fault)? It wouldn't be the first (or the last) time I've been betrayed by a family member, so there's no surprise there. Beyond that truth, there's not much to say, other than that there is no way that I'm going to be able to be there for him when she's gone, because I'll have my own grief to worry about--but he'll basically be alone anyway, since my hubby won't allow him to come into our lives to set about his own personal vendetta of destruction.

Because he does that, you know? Even as a little kid, he destroyed my relationships with men. This is not blame here, but simple fact. I don't fault him for it, because he was just a kid, but as an adult now, he's got to realize that his behavior as a child was detrimental to the maintenance of relationships for me. It always used to amaze me that my ex and I got along just fine when my son wasn't there. And while he was a child, I stayed true to my responsibility, but he doesn't realize how much his behavior hurt me personally, and all that I ended up giving up because of him. Now, I have a reasonable man, who is a reasonably good man, and I love him. My son was 19, and doing drugs and I just wasn't going to allow his behavior to destroy the possibly one last chance at having someone really wonderful in my life, and I sent him away. Those words strike pain throughout my heart, but there's simply nothing I can do about it, as I would hurt worse to let my hubby go--because my son knows my buttons and pushes them just as hard and just as far as my mother always does.

Perhaps that's what Randy meant when he tossed these words over his shoulder:

"Blood is thicker than water"...gee, you think? Maybe he meant that there was no way that I would give up my relationship to my son and choose him--but then again, there was no way that I could.

But my son doesn't see what I gave up. All he saw was how bad Randy was to HIM. And I didn't see that until the very end, and for sure didn't see how bad Randy was behind the scenes against me...but my SON did. Even so, my son told me nothing. My neighbor told me nothing. The band told me nothing. Our friends told me nothing. My sister told me nothing. Nobody wanted to get involved. You want to talk about betrayal? Nevermind. I've seen enough of that...bought the socks, wore a hole through them and tossed them in the trash along with the bag of chips I just finished eating!

No. I think it's more important that I be whole and happy in my life. The band makes me happy. My friends make me happy. My work makes me, well, okay, yes, it makes me happy to an extent....as there's something about working successfully that gives me much satisfaction. My husband makes me happy MOST of the time....but it's not his job. I hope I make him happy, and I know that I often disappoint him--especially when I take off three times a week to do this or that, and dinner doesn't get put to the table--or his other "gender specific needs" aren't catered to--it's sometimes a hard choice to make, and I worry that someday he might decide that I'm not worth the effort. Ouch. But for him, I do walk the line. I still ask him if he'd come with me to this or that event. I still hope that he'll answer yes someday. But if he doesn't, it doesn't mean that I'll just quit asking.

But my family???? They do not make me happy. They make me feel miserable because I feel like such a failure where they are concerned. They expect so much of me, and I'm a horrible disappointment to them, I'm sure. I have tried to love them--I suppose that I'm not really good at it, being that I'm almost always pressured/stressed/tired for this that or the other reason. It's not an excuse, it's just how I am. I wouldn't know how to behave otherwise. I am always on the go with something to do, somewhere to go, an appointment to keep, a person to see. Are they last on my list? No, but I'm sure that they think so. The fact is that I feel so miserable around them that it's difficult to even BE with them, and God knows that I have tried...for years...and still feel unsuccessful and unfulfilled.

So I don't know what to do about it. Other people have reasonable expectations of their relationships with their children. It makes me wonder what really went wrong with mine.

Well, back to the stress of working...to keep me from the feelings that this blog entry has spawned. I'll see you tomorrow.