Thursday, April 14, 2011

Feeling Extremely Depressed...

In dire need of chocolate--asap! The phone calls that I'd been getting at the office, well, I got called on the rug for notifying the police, instead of the supervisor. That wasn't enough to upset me, but also was basically told that my supervisor is changing hands again, and he's upset because he had to let go of a couple of his employees to take me on, which made me feel like a big pootie. And then, when I started crying (oh yeah, I really do hate it when that happens--because I can't stop it--and if I feel like someone is crapping all over my day, my work, the how I carry on my life from beginning to end as being a failure, well, I just LOSE IT.

Not just that--oh no--it could never be just THAT, right? Because when it rains, it pours, right? I'm having to evaluate my friendships--at least those who I considered friends. I won't bore you with details.

Added in, my hubby is getting angry with me--he literally threw the television channel changer at me because I wanted to watch Big Bang Theory, which, come to find out, wasn't on television last night--my head was a day ahead--thinking it was Thursday night...but because he was such a JERK, I removed from the room and went to my bedroom and tried to watch MY television, which won't pull anything in when his computer is connected to the internet due to too many RF signals in the house.

So not only was my show not on, I couldn't watch television in the bedroom anyhow. And since I was so angry at my husband's burst of IDIOT, I couldn't sleep, so I got up and YOU GUESSED IT. Watched television until I fell asleep in my chair.

When I woke up, I stumbled into the bedroom and crawled between the covers. He snored along, never even knowing that I was MISSING from the bed.

What the heck is going on here? Why is everyone abandoning me all of a sudden? I even called my doctor--she's gone until Monday. It's like I'm all by myself in this grey day.

Add to that..
MORE? Oh, yeah, I suppose.
I took the medication that makes me crazy nutzoid this morning. And true to form, by the time I was called into the meeting where my feet were literally chopped off from my legs--I was so emotional and moody that ANY sort of criticism would have been met with a flurry of tears.

Doesn't matter that I didn't do it to cause trouble. I was afraid that my identity was being compromised. Diddle them if they can't understand that. Of course, you can insert your own expletive for Diddle if you care to. Same goes for fair weather friends. Diddle off. Supervision at the office? See my finger? You didn't give a rats pootie about me when someone stole my pop bottles--not once, but TWICE. You didn't give a hoot when that witch kept harassing me with her banana peelings left in my chair at lunch time. You didn't even care when she opened my bottle of bubbly for my wedding and took a long swig--the bubbly that was meant for my (really small) reception for my (really small) wedding--for me and my hubby and my friends from 10 years ago. No. Didn't care then. Oh, but when someone stole $300 out of the other gal's purse, you fingerprinted ME--others too, and the culprit was never apprehended--but of ALL the people in the office that could be real suspects, you finger ME? Do I lie and steal and take advantage? Do I go into other people's offices when they aren't there and open their drawers and get into their purses? Puhlease. I don't even go into my mother's kitchen cabinets without I ask permission first. There are just some places that I just don't go. You could leave money on the table--even on my desk--and I will run around and try to find out who it belongs to--because I KNOW it ain't mine!

So I'm tired. I'm upset. I'm ready to cash in the chips and say "to blip with it. It just isn't worth it anymore." Then turn an abrupt about face and go into the other direction. I'm overworked. I'm overstressed, and I just can't take anymore--and nobody (at work) is listening. It's as if I don't even count anymore.

So why am I writing it down here? Probably because it's been a long life, and a long time of feeling like I've got nobody that I can call a true friend--and I'm tired of being the one who gets the big whammy. Maybe to see if somebody out there gives enough of a damn. I feel like a freaking teenager again. Crying to the counselor because I feel like there's not a person in the entire world that likes me.

What the blip is so freaking WRONG WITH ME? What about me seems to turn your stomach? Is it my teeth? Well, not much I can do about that anymore. I asked my dentist, and he tells me it's not wise to try and move your teeth "at your age" because by this time they are fairly settled into your jaw. Moving them might make the bone structure underneath come loose...then I have loose teeth moving about in my mouth. So braces were not a good idea. Plus I have a really small mouth--dentally speaking--any work done on my teeth would be undone eventually because my tongue is too big for my mouth. I have what's called "Tongue Thrust". So it would be a major expense and surgery. I'm not about to go through ALL OF THAT crap, just so you'll be my friend. Would you do it for me? I seriously doubt it!

Is it because I know a lot about a lot of different things? Well, I READ. I scan things on the internet, in the newspaper, on email, in books. Heck, as a kid, I used to read the dictionary. People thought I was weird because I used "big words". Not only that, I could spell them too. Funny how my parents NEVER SEEMED TO NOTICE THAT I WAS SO FLIPPING SMART. Well, nobody likes a know it all, but you know something? I don't know everything. YOU just haven't found it yet. But I can bet that if I know more than you know--you're gonna hate me for it. Well, to that I can honestly say, I'm not changing one iota for you. If you can't deal with your jealousy, don't bother asking me to deal with it.

I took care of the body odor a long time ago--when I turned 14 in fact--and we moved into a house with an actual SHOWER. So you can't blame me for body odor either. I've never gone more than a day without a shower since the day we moved, and I can't say that it's changed my personality one bit. You try washing 14" of long hair in the tub every night when you're first coming into puberty. Not every household had a shower back in those days. We weren't poor, but we surely couldn't afford a plumber.

And when I asked people back then (imagine my strength of character) "Why don't you like me", THESE were the answers they gave me (to be fair, they were all teenagers, too). I look back on that day sometimes. The group of them grew up a little over the following week, and in the end, I finally started making friends. Then my parents moved, and I had to do it all over again. I spent most of the first year comparing myself to girls who had it all together, smiled knowing smiles (probably because they were already sexually active--I remained a virgin until I turned 20--and not for lack of boyfriends, either). These girls were the ones in the cheerleading squad--ones that I KNEW I could never equal. Pretty and popular, with boys and girls alike.

I became really good friends with animals, books, music, knitting and crochet. I got involved with drama club and looked forward to the day when I could run away to college. I wanted to have friends, but you know, I still lack the social skills to CHATTER my butt off about nothing. Because most of the time, I have very little to say to people who are only out to stab me in the back eventually. Does that sound paranoid? I ask you--is it paranoia if they really are out to get you? I realize that I'm not the first to say that, but there you go--

I have one friend--who I like very much. Sadly, he took on a job that has tied up his every waking moment. Not that I would like to tie up his every waking moment, but I do like spending little bits of time here and there. He generally works from 8am to 8pm EVERYDAY. And the hours that I'm available, he's in one of THREE scheduled meetings. His calendar is a list of choices....okay...spin the coke bottle...which meeting do I want to go to, and which one is more important RIGHT NOW. He needs to be cloned at least five or six times. To this person, I can talk about all sorts of idiot things--right down to how Tepco has been lying right along (and now they're giving the report that the damage done at Fukishima is in line with Chernobyl's accident, just that the Radiation is FAR less...RIGHT, I believe that like I believe the sky is a bright fluorescent pink).

To the people of Japan, I say "If you can, GET OUT." And the people in Japan are getting angry now. They're blaming the government, who really has very little to do with it. It was Tepco and their bottom line. All Tepco can do is say "I'm sorry." Fat lot of good that's going to do! For all we know, they could have been funneling plutonium straight into the ocean just to save a few bucks to line their own pockets, and I'm willing to bet that Tepco's lobbyists have their hands in that same pocket. They are already talking about leaks, and the tunnels...the whole thing is just so frightening to me. Then I read on a blog about the dolphins and whales, and how scientists are studying the dna in dolphin snot. Yeah, you heard it right. It wasn't long before my brains started wading in more troubling waters--dolphin snot and plutonium...Can fish get cancer? Can you EAT a fish with cancer? Is Tepco responsible for literally destroying the life in the ocean? Don't give me "Oh, it loses half it's life in 8 days.." That's not what they taught us in SCHOOL. Remember School? I do--and not altogether fondly (see paragraphs above) where people are concerned, but the things I was taught back then, well, let's just say that I didn't take anything I learned there for granted, even if I forgot half of it the day I stepped out those doors with my diploma.

It's enough to make a grown girl cry. So cry I do, at every juncture. Because I am past the point of prayer. I'm told that God listens. Well, I sure as heck hope so.

No one else does.

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