Can't trust that day.
Do you know how you get to a certain age, and you just finally realize that you don't seem to be able to keep up with the younger set anymore?
I think that yesterday was that day for me.
Things have changed so much in the tenor drumming world, and I just don't feel like I'm up to the challenge. Sure I can do a few tricks, but...well you know what I mean--I haven't kept up with the techniques for nearly 20 years, and the whole thing has changed. When I started, I was pretty much a maverick. Now I feel like a has-been that never quite "was".
But it's not just the tenor drumming world--it's everything about bagpipe bands. Today's grade 5 was grade 4 20 years ago, and most of the Shriner Bands weren't considered good enough for even Grade 5. Now, there's not a chance for them in the competition world. It's ridiculously tight. Everything is so exact, technically diverse and difficult that it takes even a reasonably good musician several years to move from beginner status to competition in grade 5.
sigh I think my time has passed.
But it might be, too that I am expecting too much from myself--being too hard on myself. I mean, I want to go right out there and WOW some people, and now, I'm thinking...time for my nap--do you know what I mean? But maybe I'm pushing myself too hard. I expect so much out of myself. I'm thinking "to get back into this, I'm really going to have to devote some premium time to it", and then ask myself, "but is it really worth it?"
Work hard, develop, only to be let down again?
I'm not sure that I want to deal with all that again. I mean my friend Ray has all the time in the world to practice all day if he wants to--he's retired and on disability! I still have to work for a living. Most of the kids in the band are in school, which doesn't compare with work in the real world. I just don't have that sort of time unless I really apply myself and listen to it consistently and constantly. I don't think that I have time for that either--not even if I put it on my ipod! Frankly, there's only so many times you can listen to a drum score before you drive yourself nuts with it.
So I ask the cards...what should I do??? The Lovers, reversed. The Ace of Pents reversed. The Moon. Okay, sure, I'm having trouble making the choice. Money (or the lack of it) may make it for me. The outcome is uncertain--perhaps a bit of depression (moodiness) to follow the final decision to retire from it forever.
My wrist is killing me--remember that cyst I had? It broke yesterday, and shot pain all up and down my forearm. I had an icy-hot patch on my arm ALL NIGHT. Today, it's just on my wrist, but it really hurts.
More later, after I work on my drumming.