Monday, January 31, 2011

The Big One!

The big one is headed our way. Watch out America! If you haven't laid in a week's worth of supplies, go tonight, because there will be no going tomorrow--or the next day for that matter.

And buy your generator/snowblower/shovel/and whatever other winter gear, including sleeping bags and extra water. Drain any and all pipes--just in case your heat goes out, along with your electric.

Set up some bricks in the living room, lay in some wood and burnables--heck, bring in your trash can, because if you loose your method of heating the house, you can burn the trash (stinky, but paper--especially cardboard boxes burn REAL hot, and we all get enough junk mail to heat our homes for years.).

Don't forget to get up on the roof with a shovel so that your roof doesn't fall in. Have a line to keep you from falling off. Don't attach to the chimney stack, but to the entire chimney, so that if you do fall, you don't end up breaking something important (like your head). Remember, it's not the fall that kills you. It's that sudden stop. Be sure to have a buddy to spot you on the ground...he can smoke while he watches--since you probably lit his clothing on fire when you tried to burn the trash indoors.

For those who have ice on the way--head a little north--since a little south, you may have severe weather in the form of tornadoes. You will most certainly lose your electric in an ice storm of this magnitude. Lay in extra covers and kerosene--DO NOT LEAVE A KEROSENE HEATER TO BURN UNATTENDED. Everyone takes a shift, 4 hours at a time, until help comes...oh, maybe next week.

Let's see, what am I forgetting. Water, pack in some water, just in case you lose your heat, don't know it, and your pipes freeze and burst, taking all your hard-earned water away. Make up chili, bean soup and cabbage or sauerkraut. The end result (ha!) is methane, which can be burned (if you can figure out a way to ignite it without burning off the hairs on your booty).

Next spring, put up a blade style weather vane and a solar panel, collect energy from both. The weather vane will still keep you at about 10% charge during inclement weather, and that MIGHT just run your corn stove.

If all else fails, bring the barbecue into the house and run the propane!

And lastly, don't believe all the hype...much. You might be able to do without the barbecue propane tank.

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