Sunday, March 13, 2011

Seems to be All I Can Do...

Watching CNN online--videos of mothers losing daughters, wives losing husbands, the list goes on. Cold and freezing temps at night. I'm just about undone.

I have friends with family in Japan, and I have to tell you, this caught me completely unprepared--the people need blankets, coats, shoes, hats, gloves and mittens, scarves....Some folks have lost everything. It's breaking my heart. Thousands are missing, with no ability to communicate, because emergency crews are the only people allowed to use the lines. There is little heat, and less electric. Everything is shut down. The media is trying to keep it on the down-low, but there have been reports that the nuclear reactor did a partial meltdown, and that means radiation poisoning--and widespread death. It just makes my heart sick.

And all my husband can do is clean house and yell at me about my "messes" that have to go downstairs to my room, which is already full to bursting. I feel the need to do a lot of stuff, and I can't actually "do" anything, because the whole scene over there has simply immobilized me. I spent most of the morning hours crying, amidst lots of anxiety, and I'm thinking that tonight, before I go to bed, I'll take an anti-anxiety pill.

If we weren't using our blankets, I would send some over, then I think "We could get new..." but right now, I'm a little strapped--enough to get me through the rest of the week, but not to send any to the Red Cross today. I'm thinking perhaps I'll send some on Thursday for the relief effort...My biggest issue is that I cannot knit a blanket in time for it to be of use--I just feel so IMPOTENT right now.

I think the tears are mostly for the people there, the only prayers that I can really say, without completely losing it--because God hears what is in the heart, even before you speak it. Speaking it, just makes it all too real, and gets me to crying again. I guess hubby and I deal with it differently. I want to hop a plan and go help--and that might be what I do when I retire, getting hubby to help out as well, but with possible radiation poisoning, I think it's probably too dangerous for people like me and hubby without any training. My problems are so teensy, in comparison. I can't deal with my own problems, how to possibly deal with theirs? And so I cry out--to hubby, to God, to whomever is out there listening.


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