Jellybean

I would love to say that I've been working on Jellybean feverishly since I last posted, but it seems like something is always getting in the way.

Last night was no exception. My brother and sister-in-law, which I seldom see, due to their living in Kentucky with the many children they have--young ones too--came up north to go to my father's funeral and visit my mother for mother's day. We sat and reminisced for a couple of hours, and then they had to go. I couldn't stay any longer, either. I needed to get home because of late, I haven't been getting enough sleep.

But I had a good time with what little family I have ever had.

I need to do something with my mom for mother's day, and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. Usually she is so easy about such things, but this year, my bother bought her flowers, got her a card AND a little watering can with a packet of wildflower seeds. Then he took her to dinner. He's always out-maneuvering me. So this year, I can't do much of anything that he hasn't already done, and well, it just sort of freaks me out a bit. I'm hoping that I'm over it by the time Mother's Day really gets here.

God only knows what I'll do. I can't just do the same "stuff" that he did. It's never "bigger and better". I'm completely lost.

And yes, I did say that they came up for my father's funeral. My father and I have not been "close" since I was about 6 years old---maybe 7 or 8---the reason is that it's when my brother came along. That's when my family chose my brother over me. At least that's how my little child's mind saw it. But when I look at my life now, all these years and years later, I now know why it hurts me so much when people abandon me or choose to be friends with someone else over me. It's because my little child's heart harks back to the time, that I blocked out, when my father told me that he loved my brother more than me.

My mother told me this happened, and for the life of me, I can't remember it.

time to go. more on it later.