Makes a long, long week, but it's finally over, and the weekend is HERE! YAY!
I haven't much to say, except that I can't wait for my yarn to arrive for Catkin. I ordered it the other day, and I'm expecting it either tomorrow or Monday at the latest. I'll let you know when that arrives.
In the meanwhile, I'm more or less waiting for my husband to get home. He's been playing Spider Solitaire on my computer because he cannot use his own machine (broken). Know why it's broken?
Well, I will tell you why it's broken.
He doesn't know how to weed out spam, he clicks on all sorts of things that he shouldn't because he believes his machine should work faster than it does, and he's always getting some sort of virus or malware because of it. And so his computer breaks down.
Right now, it's in a continuous boot loop--I'll probably call my computer guru and ask him what to do. HIS friend said that it's probably a bad driver. Right.
So I'll get my computer guru over here to check things out and get him up and running, because I can't take the possibility of him putting malware/virus files on MY computer. And he's been all over the internet with my machine, even though I told him NOT to do so. So I have to get my guru over here quick.
So tonight, I knit, and finish up the fingerless gloves for JoAnn's, and then I can knit myself a pair of lavender gloves. I'm rather looking forward to that. I may make some slip stitch mittens instead--they would be really warm. But for now, stay focused.
You see, I wondered why my fingerless gloves turned out so long for the finger part--and come to find out that I totally misread the pattern...it starts from the top and works to the cuff--I was so focused on it being a bottom/to/top thing that I completely missed the fact that it starts at the top, and misread 2" for 4". So it made no sense, and I made them WRONG.
So now, I'm making them right, and ripping out what I had. With that in mind, I can use the extra yarn for longer cuffs (as I might please) or just make them as written and use the extra yarn for some other thing. Which will make my husband happy.
I also have to reknit his gloves, as they grew a big hole last year. And he really needs his gloves, so I might just knit them back up this weekend. He's not home right now, and I don't know where he is. I'm hoping that he didn't go to the grocery store, but I am completely mystified where he might have gotten to.
(Hush! I know you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition! Bad writer! Bad!)
I think I'm going to go knit now. One fingerless glove is done, and I have to the thumbhole done on the second, so it won't take me but a few hours to finish this last one, and get started on the next project.
Friday, September 30, 2011
In Which I Beat My Head Against The Wall...
Yesterday, I had a doctor appointment.
I didn't have to go for a stress test (didn't want to anyway). But doctor says perhaps an anti-depressant is in order.
Another pill?
What is it about these doctors these days? Since when does an anti-depressant help with stress?
So I'm feeling like I'm beating my head against the wall. Stress is wanting to choke the life out of someone else and not being able (or truly willing) to do so. That's the "beating your head against the wall" part.
So, a friend of mine, who is infinitely more "employable" than *I* apparently am, and who really is a good friend of mine, is looking for a new position. I told him to TAKE ME AWAY (sort of like Calgon bath salts, but really a lot better). So we'll see what happens there. The positions that are open for me are either things where they take advantage of you, or it's all phone, or all typing. Honestly, this job wouldn't be so bad, if there weren't SO much to it. So much to know. So much to remember.
I've already made a mistake and I don't have any idea how to fix it, beyond redoing it, but I'd like to know WHERE THE HECK DID IT GO!!! I mean, it just simply disappeared!
So there's that. The pills will be here in a few days. I'll take them through the fall and winter, and then hopefully, by spring, I can STOP that nonsense. Perhaps she's guessing that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Gee, you think? It's only been raining for a week!
I didn't have to go for a stress test (didn't want to anyway). But doctor says perhaps an anti-depressant is in order.
Another pill?
What is it about these doctors these days? Since when does an anti-depressant help with stress?
So I'm feeling like I'm beating my head against the wall. Stress is wanting to choke the life out of someone else and not being able (or truly willing) to do so. That's the "beating your head against the wall" part.
So, a friend of mine, who is infinitely more "employable" than *I* apparently am, and who really is a good friend of mine, is looking for a new position. I told him to TAKE ME AWAY (sort of like Calgon bath salts, but really a lot better). So we'll see what happens there. The positions that are open for me are either things where they take advantage of you, or it's all phone, or all typing. Honestly, this job wouldn't be so bad, if there weren't SO much to it. So much to know. So much to remember.
I've already made a mistake and I don't have any idea how to fix it, beyond redoing it, but I'd like to know WHERE THE HECK DID IT GO!!! I mean, it just simply disappeared!
So there's that. The pills will be here in a few days. I'll take them through the fall and winter, and then hopefully, by spring, I can STOP that nonsense. Perhaps she's guessing that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Gee, you think? It's only been raining for a week!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I Am SO Not Excited
And it would appear that I just can't hide it either.
I have a doctor's appointment today, and from thence, a stress test.
It's the stress test that my dreams are telling me--
You are NOT looking forward to this. Because if they do to you what they did to you the last time, you are doomed. Doomed, I tell you.
The dream was about talking with personnel, and getting told that if I behave like this again at the office, that I'll be fired. Just like that--no care, no concern--just lots and lots of undeserved stress and freaking out, and then freaking out about losing your job, and then freaking out because you're being followed by some strange man because you have no clothing and you're walking around, hunting for your car, wearing nothing but a tarp over you, scared that this guy is a serial killer or something.
And crying...lots of crying. And now, shaking like a leaf as I write this.
And my chest is just bursting--all because I'm worried about this stress test and I'm not talking about the test where they put you on a treadmill and make you walk uphill for a while to get your heartbeat up to so many beats per minute. The last time I did this test, I couldn't complete it. I got my heart rate up, but not high enough, so they did a chemical test on me.
And THAT'S the stress test I cannot do again. I simply cannot. So I MUST do the treadmill, or I might just die right there on the table.
I am stressed out. I am shaking. Physically shaking. Terrified.
And of course, the work situation doesn't help matters. Yet no one even notices that I REALLY NEED TO RETIRE. I REALLY NEED TO GO ON A MEDICAL RETIREMENT.
My husband thinks I'm acting stupid. My therapist thinks all I need is an anti-depressant. My doctor thinks I need anxiety medicine. I think I need to get away from the stress, and everything will settle back down to normal.
And of course, dwelling on it all is making it worse, but what else could I think about? Oh, gee, let's see. I could think about how my social security isn't so secure anymore. I could think about how my 401K is dropping like a stone and lost more money than I've been able to put in. I could think about my family, and how their situation is. I could think about how Jesus is coming, and I'm not ready. I could think about how the house needs a good vacuuming, and because of the stress, I can't do much by the time I get home except to sit quietly and knit. I could get angry that I didn't put enough milk in my oatmeal this morning, and so it's sticking to the roof of my mouth. I could think about the walk to work in the rain. I could...well, you get the picture. Top to bottom, I am stressed. A big rubber ball on the rocky precipice, just waiting for the next breeze.
Big, deep breath. Another.
Nope. Still not ready to go in to the office. But go I must.
I have a doctor's appointment today, and from thence, a stress test.
It's the stress test that my dreams are telling me--
You are NOT looking forward to this. Because if they do to you what they did to you the last time, you are doomed. Doomed, I tell you.
The dream was about talking with personnel, and getting told that if I behave like this again at the office, that I'll be fired. Just like that--no care, no concern--just lots and lots of undeserved stress and freaking out, and then freaking out about losing your job, and then freaking out because you're being followed by some strange man because you have no clothing and you're walking around, hunting for your car, wearing nothing but a tarp over you, scared that this guy is a serial killer or something.
And crying...lots of crying. And now, shaking like a leaf as I write this.
And my chest is just bursting--all because I'm worried about this stress test and I'm not talking about the test where they put you on a treadmill and make you walk uphill for a while to get your heartbeat up to so many beats per minute. The last time I did this test, I couldn't complete it. I got my heart rate up, but not high enough, so they did a chemical test on me.
And THAT'S the stress test I cannot do again. I simply cannot. So I MUST do the treadmill, or I might just die right there on the table.
I am stressed out. I am shaking. Physically shaking. Terrified.
And of course, the work situation doesn't help matters. Yet no one even notices that I REALLY NEED TO RETIRE. I REALLY NEED TO GO ON A MEDICAL RETIREMENT.
My husband thinks I'm acting stupid. My therapist thinks all I need is an anti-depressant. My doctor thinks I need anxiety medicine. I think I need to get away from the stress, and everything will settle back down to normal.
And of course, dwelling on it all is making it worse, but what else could I think about? Oh, gee, let's see. I could think about how my social security isn't so secure anymore. I could think about how my 401K is dropping like a stone and lost more money than I've been able to put in. I could think about my family, and how their situation is. I could think about how Jesus is coming, and I'm not ready. I could think about how the house needs a good vacuuming, and because of the stress, I can't do much by the time I get home except to sit quietly and knit. I could get angry that I didn't put enough milk in my oatmeal this morning, and so it's sticking to the roof of my mouth. I could think about the walk to work in the rain. I could...well, you get the picture. Top to bottom, I am stressed. A big rubber ball on the rocky precipice, just waiting for the next breeze.
Big, deep breath. Another.
Nope. Still not ready to go in to the office. But go I must.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The Cowl
Loving Things That Are Bad for You...
It seems I've spent my entire life, loving things that are bad for you. It sometimes makes me wonder if life is worth living at all--and then something comes along that's really good for you, and well, you just can't get enough of it.
Take oatmeal, for example.
It really is good for you. The real stuff is easy to make in almost any amount, so you can cater to your diet accordingly. It's heart healthy. It tastes pretty good, and if you add some cinnamon, it can taste even better.
And today, because we left the milk at the grocery store yesterday, I had to run in to get said milk this morning before breakfast, because I was literally CRAVING oatmeal.
Sadly, though, oatmeal doesn't stay with me for more than 3 hours, I find. By that 3 hour mark, my tummy is rumbling angry and loud noises. As "stick to your ribs" as oatmeal is, you would think it would last longer--at least to lunchtime! But alas, I am usually munching on something else before lunch, between my meals. Sigh.
Diets Suck.
And so, I knit. My latest:
A pair of these. The pattern calls for 4" of 1x2 ribbing on 38 stitches, but these are pretty snug--next time, I'll cast on 40, repeat for 4" (I did 5") then cast off a 2 stitch buttonhole (I think 3 would have been better), and then cast those 2 back on again, and 1x2 ribbing for another 4 inches (which I did).
The entire thing is an inch too long, and not because I made the 5" change. 4" beyond the buttonhole is TOO LONG for the negative ease to "take up". So my next pair will be only 3" above the buttonhole, which will take me to my first knuckle on my hand. I had to fold these down inside. Then I snapped the picture, not realizing that Mandy decided to get in on the action. So it looks like I'm about to grab her, but really, I am several feet from her. Look how she plays for the camera! (Actually, she doesn't like the flash, so she turns all wary or shies away.)
And then, I began work on a cowl for JoAnn's. This thing is a really simple pattern, but the coloring is what makes it. The pattern is here and the yarn is held double throughout, giving the look of variegated yarn. There are some ends to weave in, but the result is pretty stunning. I made mine on 70 stitches, instead of 64. The pattern is free. The yarn is at JoAnn's and during Coupon Commotion, you can get all 4 skeins for under $12. You can then make one for you and one for your sister, slightly changing the colors around so that the two aren't so much ALIKE--or you can make both the same if you happen to have a twin (I don't, but I do have a sister--a couple of them in fact, and this turned out so pretty, I may decide to make one for every female member in the family!) So I'm off to weave in ends, and then will post a picture. I'm not the most beautiful model in the world, but my husband takes terrible pictures...check out this one:
Too close to the light source, I suppose, and horribly over exposed, but you can see that I folded them over. I might just undo them when I get them back from JoAnn's to make them the proper length. That won't hurt a thing. Or I can just make another pair, as I'm sure there's plenty of yarn left--even so you can make them out of anything. Use almost any "insertion" pattern (say, for instance a cable, or a lace panel), of course, placement is key if you're going to try something like that, and I think I'd make the wrist another inch longer and increase (gusset) near the thumb, but that's just me. I don't like the way these stretch where the buttonhole is. I think the pattern needs modification, but for someone who would like a quick, easy gift, this is the pattern. It took just a few hours to make both. The cowl took me an evening, and it was FUN to watch the colors change in the fabric. I even "liked" it on Facebook. Not many patterns get that kind of attention from me.
So eat your oatmeal and get ready for church. It's that time again. Happy FALL!
Take oatmeal, for example.
It really is good for you. The real stuff is easy to make in almost any amount, so you can cater to your diet accordingly. It's heart healthy. It tastes pretty good, and if you add some cinnamon, it can taste even better.
And today, because we left the milk at the grocery store yesterday, I had to run in to get said milk this morning before breakfast, because I was literally CRAVING oatmeal.
Sadly, though, oatmeal doesn't stay with me for more than 3 hours, I find. By that 3 hour mark, my tummy is rumbling angry and loud noises. As "stick to your ribs" as oatmeal is, you would think it would last longer--at least to lunchtime! But alas, I am usually munching on something else before lunch, between my meals. Sigh.
Diets Suck.
And so, I knit. My latest:
A pair of these. The pattern calls for 4" of 1x2 ribbing on 38 stitches, but these are pretty snug--next time, I'll cast on 40, repeat for 4" (I did 5") then cast off a 2 stitch buttonhole (I think 3 would have been better), and then cast those 2 back on again, and 1x2 ribbing for another 4 inches (which I did).
The entire thing is an inch too long, and not because I made the 5" change. 4" beyond the buttonhole is TOO LONG for the negative ease to "take up". So my next pair will be only 3" above the buttonhole, which will take me to my first knuckle on my hand. I had to fold these down inside. Then I snapped the picture, not realizing that Mandy decided to get in on the action. So it looks like I'm about to grab her, but really, I am several feet from her. Look how she plays for the camera! (Actually, she doesn't like the flash, so she turns all wary or shies away.)
And then, I began work on a cowl for JoAnn's. This thing is a really simple pattern, but the coloring is what makes it. The pattern is here and the yarn is held double throughout, giving the look of variegated yarn. There are some ends to weave in, but the result is pretty stunning. I made mine on 70 stitches, instead of 64. The pattern is free. The yarn is at JoAnn's and during Coupon Commotion, you can get all 4 skeins for under $12. You can then make one for you and one for your sister, slightly changing the colors around so that the two aren't so much ALIKE--or you can make both the same if you happen to have a twin (I don't, but I do have a sister--a couple of them in fact, and this turned out so pretty, I may decide to make one for every female member in the family!) So I'm off to weave in ends, and then will post a picture. I'm not the most beautiful model in the world, but my husband takes terrible pictures...check out this one:
Too close to the light source, I suppose, and horribly over exposed, but you can see that I folded them over. I might just undo them when I get them back from JoAnn's to make them the proper length. That won't hurt a thing. Or I can just make another pair, as I'm sure there's plenty of yarn left--even so you can make them out of anything. Use almost any "insertion" pattern (say, for instance a cable, or a lace panel), of course, placement is key if you're going to try something like that, and I think I'd make the wrist another inch longer and increase (gusset) near the thumb, but that's just me. I don't like the way these stretch where the buttonhole is. I think the pattern needs modification, but for someone who would like a quick, easy gift, this is the pattern. It took just a few hours to make both. The cowl took me an evening, and it was FUN to watch the colors change in the fabric. I even "liked" it on Facebook. Not many patterns get that kind of attention from me.
So eat your oatmeal and get ready for church. It's that time again. Happy FALL!
Friday, September 23, 2011
I Didn't Think it Could Happen...
But Friday finally showed up. And it's a short day, too, so I get to leave at 4 and be home at the normal time. I think I might have a rider to ride to work with as welll, and that might even make things a lot better.
But as my brother-in-law put it so succinctly:
A bad day fishing is still better than a good day at work.
True. So True.
Nearly done with the second "glovelet". It will be done this afternoon/evening. They go pretty quick, even though they are ribbing. I knit continental for ribbing, which makes it go all the faster, but I would really like some instruction on how to move the stitches, and control them, because as I near the end of the row, the stitches like to pop off that left hand needle, and I have to fiddle with the yarn and the last of the row to maintain control.
Once done with the glovelets, I have to check the JoAnn's patterns again. I believe there's a cowl to make out of a few skeins of Vanna's, but that should go pretty fast, too.
Then CATKIN! I can hardly wait to bite into this pattern. I'll wait until Saturday to take a really GOOD look, because as I looked at it on Tuesday, I thought "OMG". I'm a little worried that it might be too much to keep track of on this puny little fried brain of mine.
And the ramps are FINALLY done at the corner, so I can shave 15 minutes off my travel time. Still have to be at Speedway at 6:30, but other than that, I'm good to go. I'm seriously excited about having a rider, because she's going to be the person I ask if she'd like to live in our basement. She's good people, and we get along really well. Since she lives alone, and SO far away, she might be willing to move 30 minutes closer. It's an option that she can choose or not, but I think she's the one I'd offer it to, if I offered it to anybody.
Well, she just messaged me a no for today's ride. So I'm going to pop into my car and head out. I hope everyone has a good day, and as Red Green says: "Keep your stick on the ice." It's a hockey reference, but with the colder weather coming, it seemed somewhat appropriate!
But as my brother-in-law put it so succinctly:
A bad day fishing is still better than a good day at work.
True. So True.
Nearly done with the second "glovelet". It will be done this afternoon/evening. They go pretty quick, even though they are ribbing. I knit continental for ribbing, which makes it go all the faster, but I would really like some instruction on how to move the stitches, and control them, because as I near the end of the row, the stitches like to pop off that left hand needle, and I have to fiddle with the yarn and the last of the row to maintain control.
Once done with the glovelets, I have to check the JoAnn's patterns again. I believe there's a cowl to make out of a few skeins of Vanna's, but that should go pretty fast, too.
Then CATKIN! I can hardly wait to bite into this pattern. I'll wait until Saturday to take a really GOOD look, because as I looked at it on Tuesday, I thought "OMG". I'm a little worried that it might be too much to keep track of on this puny little fried brain of mine.
And the ramps are FINALLY done at the corner, so I can shave 15 minutes off my travel time. Still have to be at Speedway at 6:30, but other than that, I'm good to go. I'm seriously excited about having a rider, because she's going to be the person I ask if she'd like to live in our basement. She's good people, and we get along really well. Since she lives alone, and SO far away, she might be willing to move 30 minutes closer. It's an option that she can choose or not, but I think she's the one I'd offer it to, if I offered it to anybody.
Well, she just messaged me a no for today's ride. So I'm going to pop into my car and head out. I hope everyone has a good day, and as Red Green says: "Keep your stick on the ice." It's a hockey reference, but with the colder weather coming, it seemed somewhat appropriate!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
It Gets Better...
I crocheted a hat recently for JoAnn's. Now working on a pair of "Glovelets", which is a fancy-schmancy way of saying "fingerless gloves", because they indeed---have no fingers--not even a thumb! Just a hole.
They are knit flat, and seamed. There's a little 2 stitch buttonhole. But other than a knit 1, purl 2 style rib, there really isn't much to them.
So they're sort of boring.
As soon as I finish this, I have another JoAnn's project to do--perhaps two. Then I can move on to Catkin, which is maybe a little beyond my skill level. If that turns out to be so, I might head into the knitting shop and ask for help, but I think if Yarn Harlot can do it, I can do it.
But for the glovelets, I would...do it that is.
If only not for the overtime, I might actually get some of these things done. Our office has offered 500 hours of overtime to the staff. I'm trying to get in 27 hours by next Friday. So far, I have 5. I'll do a fair number of hours on Saturday, which will cut down my WEEKEND considerably, but since I don't have a class this weekend, it's not a problem.
The only thing I don't like about overtime is that it makes me tired, which makes me ornery, which causes me to get a little "mouthy" with my husband. He doesn't understand how fried my brain gets on STANDARD time, never mind overtime. Sigh. The extra money will be nice--especially for Christmas, but the extra money for Christmas won't be necessary if my husband divorces me because I'm such a shrew for not getting enough rest!
Well, off to knit the other glovelet. Wish me luck. At least I don't have to work overtime on Friday!
They are knit flat, and seamed. There's a little 2 stitch buttonhole. But other than a knit 1, purl 2 style rib, there really isn't much to them.
So they're sort of boring.
As soon as I finish this, I have another JoAnn's project to do--perhaps two. Then I can move on to Catkin, which is maybe a little beyond my skill level. If that turns out to be so, I might head into the knitting shop and ask for help, but I think if Yarn Harlot can do it, I can do it.
But for the glovelets, I would...do it that is.
If only not for the overtime, I might actually get some of these things done. Our office has offered 500 hours of overtime to the staff. I'm trying to get in 27 hours by next Friday. So far, I have 5. I'll do a fair number of hours on Saturday, which will cut down my WEEKEND considerably, but since I don't have a class this weekend, it's not a problem.
The only thing I don't like about overtime is that it makes me tired, which makes me ornery, which causes me to get a little "mouthy" with my husband. He doesn't understand how fried my brain gets on STANDARD time, never mind overtime. Sigh. The extra money will be nice--especially for Christmas, but the extra money for Christmas won't be necessary if my husband divorces me because I'm such a shrew for not getting enough rest!
Well, off to knit the other glovelet. Wish me luck. At least I don't have to work overtime on Friday!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
As You Can See...
Unblocked, my shawl looks like so much of a lump of knitting...No form, not enough lace to believe it even *is* lace. Which is sad...
You can click to embiggen. Theer's a little more detail that way, but the lace doesn't show up. Persica is a circular pi shawl, very easy and looke wonderful blocked. The pic shows it folded somewhat in half.
Wait until you see it blocked! I have to find a place to do that, and then PICTURES. Until then, I'm working on a hat for JoAnn's class.
Ho Hum.
Wait until you see it blocked! I have to find a place to do that, and then PICTURES. Until then, I'm working on a hat for JoAnn's class.
Ho Hum.
Monday, September 19, 2011
It;s Nearly Bedtime...
But you should know that I was able to finally finish the shawl. Tomorrow, I will soak it and refrigerate it, until I can locate a place to block it.
I will show you a pic of it, pre-blocked, perhaps tomorrow. Right now, I have things I need to do, and since it's almost time for bed, I have to hurry.
Hope you enjoy the pictures to come.
I will show you a pic of it, pre-blocked, perhaps tomorrow. Right now, I have things I need to do, and since it's almost time for bed, I have to hurry.
Hope you enjoy the pictures to come.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Keep Me Warm Cowl
Here's a really quick pattern I made up while I was at Joann's today, teaching a 9 year old to knit.
Materials:
2 skeins Lion Brand Hometown USA in Cambridge Tweed or any color that suits you.
1 pr straight knitting needles size 11
You can substitute any yarn that has a "6" on the label--this is classified as Super Bulky.
Cast on 23 stitches with the Knitted On Cast On.
Knit every row for 4"
(about 20 rows)
*Purl next row
Knit next row
Purl next row
Knit next row
Purl next row
Knit 3 rows
Repeat from * 6 times, then Knit every row for 4" again. Put right sides together, and bind off as follows:
*Put right hand needle into the first stitch AND ALSO into the first cast on stitch, yarn over and bring through both stitches, and remove the stitch from the left hand needle. Repeat from * once. Now bind off one stitch from your right hand needle. Repeat from * once, and bind off one stitch from your right hand needle. Continue in this manner until all the stitches are bound off.
Weave in your ends.
Keep Me Warm Cowl.
Materials:
2 skeins Lion Brand Hometown USA in Cambridge Tweed or any color that suits you.
1 pr straight knitting needles size 11
You can substitute any yarn that has a "6" on the label--this is classified as Super Bulky.
Cast on 23 stitches with the Knitted On Cast On.
Knit every row for 4"
(about 20 rows)
*Purl next row
Knit next row
Purl next row
Knit next row
Purl next row
Knit 3 rows
Repeat from * 6 times, then Knit every row for 4" again. Put right sides together, and bind off as follows:
*Put right hand needle into the first stitch AND ALSO into the first cast on stitch, yarn over and bring through both stitches, and remove the stitch from the left hand needle. Repeat from * once. Now bind off one stitch from your right hand needle. Repeat from * once, and bind off one stitch from your right hand needle. Continue in this manner until all the stitches are bound off.
Weave in your ends.
Just 2 Rows!!!
I only have 2 rows left to do, and the bind off. I should be done today and ready to block my shawl. The anticipation is just killing me. It's only 6am, and I'm just about ready to head to the kitchen for my breakfast. I want to finish it before I head to JoAnn's for my class today.
Today's class is a little different. Today, I'm teaching children. Well, child, actually. I think there's only one signup. I hope it works, because I'm not really a good baby sitter. A good teacher, yes, but not a good baby sitter, which makes me wonder if I was a good mother at all--I think I was, but I don't think my son thinks so. At least I tried really hard to be a good mother. It was difficult, because I wasn't home most of the time due to work. Being a stay at home mom wasn't my strong suit. And I'm not much good at being close to people or animals.
I suppose I should have opted for "hermit" when they passed around the tests to score you for what you wanted to do when you grew up, instead of "Accountant". But how do you know that you absolutely can't stand being around angry people if you've never been around angry people before?
Which makes it difficult to be in close relationships, because THOSE are the ones who get angry with you (for this or that minor reason), and it's "safe" for them to do so, UNLESS you're me. Because I shut down at a certain point--you know, BEFORE you say something you're going to regret--something that MIGHT get you knocked down--something that MIGHT get back to the supervisor and get you FIRED, something that just ASTOUNDS you to the core and makes you wonder if that person is just a wee bit NUTS.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and THEN WORE IT for a week without washing.
I'm not good in a fight, is what I'm saying. It bears repeating. I'm not a CHICKEN, mind you. If I don't have to worry about my livelihood (divorce, fired, things like that), I'll duke it out. No problemo, seniorita. (Sorry, if I spelled that wrong.) But if it's going to kill me? Well, I will run like the devil was after me, and while you might be holding my bag, I'm gone, chicken feathers flying in the breeze--or I'll just STAND there, mystified as to why you did it--because I'm so darned analytical.
"Why did you DO that?" I'll ask.
Incredible. That kind of behavior just shuts me right down into DENIAL.
"You're supposed to love me!? Why are you treating me so badly?" Then I won't talk to you. In some cases, I won't talk to you EVER again. That doesn't mean that in a group setting (such as at the office), that I will treat you like persona non grata, but you will certainly come away with the idea:
"She doesn't seem to like me."
I can't help it. I'll shove you as far away from me as I can so that you can't hurt me again--either physically (though not usually) or mentally/emotionally/psychically (this is the norm). This isn't a good idea in familial relationships. Close relationships are too close, and are supposed to teach you the most--things like "how to GET OVER IT" and "GET OVER YOURSELF" and forgive, because that person might not be there to help you tomorrow. Bouncing back is more like being pulled back in, kicking and screaming that you don't want to go there again, because it is just too darn scary.
Yes, been thee, done that, bought the t-shirt, wore it for a week without washing it, washed it and hung it on the line to dry.
You might think I'm not good at relationships. I am. In the beginning, I am GREAT at relationships. It's the maintaining them that doesn't come easy for me. Maybe it's the dedication that I'm not so good at--or maybe I am good at it, just the other person isn't as good at it as I am, or maybe they are, but they're just better at being themselves and being "heard", sometimes LOUDLY. This of course, causes me to feel like I'm being YELLED at, which I also don't do well. Perhaps I need to be more dedicated to myself, and not quite so "scaredy-cat"? Which takes me full circle to being a chicken, because if I'm too dedicated to myself, I'll end up a hermit.
Yes, vicious cycle there.
So it shouldn't surprise me, that I draw the 3 of pentacles, marked "dedication", and of course, it's reversed. It's telling me that my dedication is going to be tested today in some respect, and I need to be careful, or things will fail. Which is how things usually work out in the end for me, when the dedication meter swings too far in my favor or in yours...the happy medium is what you want, and it doesn't always happen. At least not well, for me...
Yes, been there, done that, yada yada, and now the t-shirt has lots of holes in it from the shots people have taken at me in vengence.
Standing up for yourself is a very thin line that I don't cross often, but when I do, it's a disaster for both parties.
Today's class is a little different. Today, I'm teaching children. Well, child, actually. I think there's only one signup. I hope it works, because I'm not really a good baby sitter. A good teacher, yes, but not a good baby sitter, which makes me wonder if I was a good mother at all--I think I was, but I don't think my son thinks so. At least I tried really hard to be a good mother. It was difficult, because I wasn't home most of the time due to work. Being a stay at home mom wasn't my strong suit. And I'm not much good at being close to people or animals.
I suppose I should have opted for "hermit" when they passed around the tests to score you for what you wanted to do when you grew up, instead of "Accountant". But how do you know that you absolutely can't stand being around angry people if you've never been around angry people before?
Which makes it difficult to be in close relationships, because THOSE are the ones who get angry with you (for this or that minor reason), and it's "safe" for them to do so, UNLESS you're me. Because I shut down at a certain point--you know, BEFORE you say something you're going to regret--something that MIGHT get you knocked down--something that MIGHT get back to the supervisor and get you FIRED, something that just ASTOUNDS you to the core and makes you wonder if that person is just a wee bit NUTS.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and THEN WORE IT for a week without washing.
I'm not good in a fight, is what I'm saying. It bears repeating. I'm not a CHICKEN, mind you. If I don't have to worry about my livelihood (divorce, fired, things like that), I'll duke it out. No problemo, seniorita. (Sorry, if I spelled that wrong.) But if it's going to kill me? Well, I will run like the devil was after me, and while you might be holding my bag, I'm gone, chicken feathers flying in the breeze--or I'll just STAND there, mystified as to why you did it--because I'm so darned analytical.
"Why did you DO that?" I'll ask.
Incredible. That kind of behavior just shuts me right down into DENIAL.
"You're supposed to love me!? Why are you treating me so badly?" Then I won't talk to you. In some cases, I won't talk to you EVER again. That doesn't mean that in a group setting (such as at the office), that I will treat you like persona non grata, but you will certainly come away with the idea:
"She doesn't seem to like me."
I can't help it. I'll shove you as far away from me as I can so that you can't hurt me again--either physically (though not usually) or mentally/emotionally/psychically (this is the norm). This isn't a good idea in familial relationships. Close relationships are too close, and are supposed to teach you the most--things like "how to GET OVER IT" and "GET OVER YOURSELF" and forgive, because that person might not be there to help you tomorrow. Bouncing back is more like being pulled back in, kicking and screaming that you don't want to go there again, because it is just too darn scary.
Yes, been thee, done that, bought the t-shirt, wore it for a week without washing it, washed it and hung it on the line to dry.
You might think I'm not good at relationships. I am. In the beginning, I am GREAT at relationships. It's the maintaining them that doesn't come easy for me. Maybe it's the dedication that I'm not so good at--or maybe I am good at it, just the other person isn't as good at it as I am, or maybe they are, but they're just better at being themselves and being "heard", sometimes LOUDLY. This of course, causes me to feel like I'm being YELLED at, which I also don't do well. Perhaps I need to be more dedicated to myself, and not quite so "scaredy-cat"? Which takes me full circle to being a chicken, because if I'm too dedicated to myself, I'll end up a hermit.
Yes, vicious cycle there.
So it shouldn't surprise me, that I draw the 3 of pentacles, marked "dedication", and of course, it's reversed. It's telling me that my dedication is going to be tested today in some respect, and I need to be careful, or things will fail. Which is how things usually work out in the end for me, when the dedication meter swings too far in my favor or in yours...the happy medium is what you want, and it doesn't always happen. At least not well, for me...
Yes, been there, done that, yada yada, and now the t-shirt has lots of holes in it from the shots people have taken at me in vengence.
Standing up for yourself is a very thin line that I don't cross often, but when I do, it's a disaster for both parties.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Almost There...
Progress on the circular shawl, Persica has been slow--mostly because to knit a row, you have to knit two, and that's only 2100 stitches. And once the eyes go, you might as well hang it up.
But today, I managed to get about 5 rows done while waiting for my class to start, and then another row when my class was finished. The student and I sat down and she practiced while I worked one more resting row, and then I headed for home.
Now the problem is that my chair is "stewing".
"Okay," I hear you saying, "what does she mean by 'stewing'."
Well, this morning, I doused both of our chairs with pet deodorizer. I washed the cushion for my chair and doused the cloth cover for the spring set, and doused hubbies chair quite heavily, because it's one of those "poofy" style chairs--so you know that the deodorizer has to go quite far down into the foam rubber, so I put quite a lot (almost the whole bottle) on it.
And so they are still wet, while the deodorizer is working. So 'stewing'.
But we have no place to sit (either of us) in the living room because the chairs are both "stewing". So we are in the bedroom, watching Monk.
And while my chair stews, I can't sit in it to knit. So now you know my problem.
But I'm just about to get the cushion out of the dryer (that is, if it's dry--another "almost there" situation most likely), and then I can sit in my chair to knit and watch television. I hope that hubby's chair is dry tomorrow, but the likelihood is pretty much nil. So I got him a chair to sit in from the kitchen, but he's not fond of that idea, so he decided to crawl into bed.
I'm outta here.
But today, I managed to get about 5 rows done while waiting for my class to start, and then another row when my class was finished. The student and I sat down and she practiced while I worked one more resting row, and then I headed for home.
Now the problem is that my chair is "stewing".
"Okay," I hear you saying, "what does she mean by 'stewing'."
Well, this morning, I doused both of our chairs with pet deodorizer. I washed the cushion for my chair and doused the cloth cover for the spring set, and doused hubbies chair quite heavily, because it's one of those "poofy" style chairs--so you know that the deodorizer has to go quite far down into the foam rubber, so I put quite a lot (almost the whole bottle) on it.
And so they are still wet, while the deodorizer is working. So 'stewing'.
But we have no place to sit (either of us) in the living room because the chairs are both "stewing". So we are in the bedroom, watching Monk.
And while my chair stews, I can't sit in it to knit. So now you know my problem.
But I'm just about to get the cushion out of the dryer (that is, if it's dry--another "almost there" situation most likely), and then I can sit in my chair to knit and watch television. I hope that hubby's chair is dry tomorrow, but the likelihood is pretty much nil. So I got him a chair to sit in from the kitchen, but he's not fond of that idea, so he decided to crawl into bed.
I'm outta here.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Finally Home
And finally Friday. Something stinks.
No, really--in my house. I think a mouse died somewhere. I've taken out the trash, cleaned the snake pit and the house still stinks just when you walk into the door. I can't make out exactly where it's coming from, but it's enough to really knock you over.
And the cat urine/ammonia smell coming from my husband's chair is enough to burn my nose! So I have to take care of that tomorrow--VERY SOON--I don't know why they have chosen his chair--because the litter box gets cleaned every time I feed them...It's getting really bad. I wonder if there's something I can put in the chair that will discourage them from jumping into the chair in the first place. At least then I can use some pet urine deoderizer. However, my husband can't sit in it until it dries. It's one of those overstuffed cushion type chairs. When he sits in it for a very long time, I can still smell it on him when he comes to bed.
And that's bad. And he doesn't like it, and neither do I. I'm not sure how he can stand it.
So I got the snake pit cleaned out, and gave the snake a little bath in the tub. She doesn't especially care for it, because I like to pet her in the tub, and she's not really a petting type pet. I like to get her completely wet, it gets her clean, and gives her a chance to swim a little bit. That part she does like. Afterward, to keep her calm, I put her in a pillow case and tie the top while I clean out her pit. Then I add fresh aspen and a new hide for her. Then I untie the pillow case, and coax her out. She didn't want to get out, this time. I think she was feeling pretty safe inside the pillow case.
But she's installed in her pit again, and getting accustomed to the surroundings. I have to get her a new hide, but temporarily, I'm using a box. She should like her new hide when I get it inside the pit. Then, she'll settle down to a nice hibernation.
And I plan to do that myself, a bit earlier than usual tonight, because I am tired. I finally got to a point where I felt like I was ready to start in on some of the work at the office, and then it was time to go home. Go figure.
No, really--in my house. I think a mouse died somewhere. I've taken out the trash, cleaned the snake pit and the house still stinks just when you walk into the door. I can't make out exactly where it's coming from, but it's enough to really knock you over.
And the cat urine/ammonia smell coming from my husband's chair is enough to burn my nose! So I have to take care of that tomorrow--VERY SOON--I don't know why they have chosen his chair--because the litter box gets cleaned every time I feed them...It's getting really bad. I wonder if there's something I can put in the chair that will discourage them from jumping into the chair in the first place. At least then I can use some pet urine deoderizer. However, my husband can't sit in it until it dries. It's one of those overstuffed cushion type chairs. When he sits in it for a very long time, I can still smell it on him when he comes to bed.
And that's bad. And he doesn't like it, and neither do I. I'm not sure how he can stand it.
So I got the snake pit cleaned out, and gave the snake a little bath in the tub. She doesn't especially care for it, because I like to pet her in the tub, and she's not really a petting type pet. I like to get her completely wet, it gets her clean, and gives her a chance to swim a little bit. That part she does like. Afterward, to keep her calm, I put her in a pillow case and tie the top while I clean out her pit. Then I add fresh aspen and a new hide for her. Then I untie the pillow case, and coax her out. She didn't want to get out, this time. I think she was feeling pretty safe inside the pillow case.
But she's installed in her pit again, and getting accustomed to the surroundings. I have to get her a new hide, but temporarily, I'm using a box. She should like her new hide when I get it inside the pit. Then, she'll settle down to a nice hibernation.
And I plan to do that myself, a bit earlier than usual tonight, because I am tired. I finally got to a point where I felt like I was ready to start in on some of the work at the office, and then it was time to go home. Go figure.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Another Day at the Salt Mines
I spent about an hour on Facebook last night. This is not a regular happening for me, but it would appear that one of my co-workers wanted to chat as much as I did--of course, she could also have been checking with her friends while chatting with me, but no matter.
Both of us are pretty weirded out by what's going on at the office. It's REALLY getting to me--not so much to her, though she SAYS it is, I can tell she's not ruffled by much at the office. I can only assume that "attitude" carries over into her home life, which to me, would make a pretty happy home life.
As for me, I'm just shutting down, piece by piece. I am trying to keep up my demeanor, but it's pretty well falling apart. Last night, my husband couldn't hug me enough--and he did hug me most of the night, spooning the way we did to keep warm because there's been a cold snap this week, and it's just played havoc with our ability to stay warm. (And Barb Cooper thinks she's the Queen of Digression!) Even now, I'm thinking to myself--do I really have to go in? Couldn't I just take a couple of days off and stay home, finish my shawl and clean the snake pen?
To add to the mix, Woolgatherer's is meeting tonight. This wouldn't be so bad, except that I have to pretend that things aren't a little "off" with a friend of mine (which really turns out that she's not such a great friend after all, and I SO WISH that I could find somebody to do things with), and basically "play nice with others" which comes so hard for me when someone breaks my heart to bits.
So I'll take my lace tonight to work on, and get at least another 3 or 4 rows done. I think I just finished round 37, so only 13 more to go. Perhaps I shouldn't have spent so much time on Facebook last night, but I really couldn't help it. If I get those 4 rounds done, I'll be on round 41, and less than 10 rounds to go. That would be GREAT.
I have a class on Saturday, and might be called in to work on closed files in the morning. Then Sunday, I'm off to a friend's house to work on his computer. There won't be a lot of time for knitting during all that. But next week for sure, I should be able to start Catkin. And while I'm working on the shawl, I'm also working on a Christmas present for my grand-daughter--and I think she will really like it.
In the meantime, be well everyone. Cherrios!
Both of us are pretty weirded out by what's going on at the office. It's REALLY getting to me--not so much to her, though she SAYS it is, I can tell she's not ruffled by much at the office. I can only assume that "attitude" carries over into her home life, which to me, would make a pretty happy home life.
As for me, I'm just shutting down, piece by piece. I am trying to keep up my demeanor, but it's pretty well falling apart. Last night, my husband couldn't hug me enough--and he did hug me most of the night, spooning the way we did to keep warm because there's been a cold snap this week, and it's just played havoc with our ability to stay warm. (And Barb Cooper thinks she's the Queen of Digression!) Even now, I'm thinking to myself--do I really have to go in? Couldn't I just take a couple of days off and stay home, finish my shawl and clean the snake pen?
To add to the mix, Woolgatherer's is meeting tonight. This wouldn't be so bad, except that I have to pretend that things aren't a little "off" with a friend of mine (which really turns out that she's not such a great friend after all, and I SO WISH that I could find somebody to do things with), and basically "play nice with others" which comes so hard for me when someone breaks my heart to bits.
So I'll take my lace tonight to work on, and get at least another 3 or 4 rows done. I think I just finished round 37, so only 13 more to go. Perhaps I shouldn't have spent so much time on Facebook last night, but I really couldn't help it. If I get those 4 rounds done, I'll be on round 41, and less than 10 rounds to go. That would be GREAT.
I have a class on Saturday, and might be called in to work on closed files in the morning. Then Sunday, I'm off to a friend's house to work on his computer. There won't be a lot of time for knitting during all that. But next week for sure, I should be able to start Catkin. And while I'm working on the shawl, I'm also working on a Christmas present for my grand-daughter--and I think she will really like it.
In the meantime, be well everyone. Cherrios!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Yesterday
Yesterday was a terrible day, but I've had a night to sleep and feel much improved, but still quite intrepid about going in to the office today.
It doesn't help that there's a young black guy accosting women on their way home from work (usually), who could decide to change his MO and start going for mornings. It's my idea that he's trying to steal enough money so he can take a bus to the (warmer) southern states, but I could be wrong. It's still pretty scary, because I have to traverse three blocks that are included in his "area of choice". I don't like having to wait for another driver to show up at my lot, for someone to buddy with, and I don't like taking the long way to the office (which is SAFER, and the only reason I would use it to begin with), because I like to use the building back door.
Either way, until the police catch the guy, I'm pretty screwed.
The work will always be there, and it will always be a mess because of the people who came before. I am up to the task, and before long, I will whip this stuff into shape and catch up. It's the time in between that I'm worried about. The "getting there". The person who left the position was behind to begin with, so now, it's very likely that I'll have to deal with people calling about missing payments and such. They don't want to hear "I'll look into it and call you back when I know something." They want to hear "I'll handle it today.", which often is not an option.
Ah, well, such is life.It's not my fault that I'm getting older and slower, and that my brain isn't working quite as well as it used to perform. Getting older sucks big time. For everybody.
Knitting wise, I got another 2 rows done on the shawl last night, and I am now only 15 rounds from the bind off of the shawl, which has a very interesting concept, and may end up my standard bind off. More about that later, as I get to the end of it.
I was able to find a book "Homespun, Handknit" at the East Lansing Library, and I stopped over there, since I don't have a library card for that library, and took a look at it to see if I wanted any other pattern other than the Bouncing Baby Bonnet. I didn't see much of anything there, so I don't have to order it through Melcat, but I did pay VERY close attention to the construction of the bonnet. I don't know why, but I'm hoping to make one someday. I just don't know why.
And there's a smell in my house that smells like something rotting. There are a couple of things I need to do today when I get home to locate it. In the meanwhile, I'll try covering it up with a shot of Febreeze. It might be the snake pen, but I think it more likely the bird seed on the kitchen counter. I'll find out tonight. If it turns out to be snake pen, I'll have some cleaning to do. I'll pick up some Aspen chips on the way home. My snake will love me for it.
One day, I'll take a pic of my snake. She's grown a bit this year because I'm feeding her more now. She is up to 4 mice, without barfing, and that's quite a bit. She's sleeping under her hide at the moment, so I will leave her be, but later, as I clean her cage, I will take a pic and post tomorrow so you can see how big she is. Because she has eaten, she will be slower, and less likely to strike.
Well, must get to the office. I have to buy gas on the way. You know how much I hate being late for work.
It doesn't help that there's a young black guy accosting women on their way home from work (usually), who could decide to change his MO and start going for mornings. It's my idea that he's trying to steal enough money so he can take a bus to the (warmer) southern states, but I could be wrong. It's still pretty scary, because I have to traverse three blocks that are included in his "area of choice". I don't like having to wait for another driver to show up at my lot, for someone to buddy with, and I don't like taking the long way to the office (which is SAFER, and the only reason I would use it to begin with), because I like to use the building back door.
Either way, until the police catch the guy, I'm pretty screwed.
The work will always be there, and it will always be a mess because of the people who came before. I am up to the task, and before long, I will whip this stuff into shape and catch up. It's the time in between that I'm worried about. The "getting there". The person who left the position was behind to begin with, so now, it's very likely that I'll have to deal with people calling about missing payments and such. They don't want to hear "I'll look into it and call you back when I know something." They want to hear "I'll handle it today.", which often is not an option.
Ah, well, such is life.It's not my fault that I'm getting older and slower, and that my brain isn't working quite as well as it used to perform. Getting older sucks big time. For everybody.
Knitting wise, I got another 2 rows done on the shawl last night, and I am now only 15 rounds from the bind off of the shawl, which has a very interesting concept, and may end up my standard bind off. More about that later, as I get to the end of it.
I was able to find a book "Homespun, Handknit" at the East Lansing Library, and I stopped over there, since I don't have a library card for that library, and took a look at it to see if I wanted any other pattern other than the Bouncing Baby Bonnet. I didn't see much of anything there, so I don't have to order it through Melcat, but I did pay VERY close attention to the construction of the bonnet. I don't know why, but I'm hoping to make one someday. I just don't know why.
And there's a smell in my house that smells like something rotting. There are a couple of things I need to do today when I get home to locate it. In the meanwhile, I'll try covering it up with a shot of Febreeze. It might be the snake pen, but I think it more likely the bird seed on the kitchen counter. I'll find out tonight. If it turns out to be snake pen, I'll have some cleaning to do. I'll pick up some Aspen chips on the way home. My snake will love me for it.
One day, I'll take a pic of my snake. She's grown a bit this year because I'm feeding her more now. She is up to 4 mice, without barfing, and that's quite a bit. She's sleeping under her hide at the moment, so I will leave her be, but later, as I clean her cage, I will take a pic and post tomorrow so you can see how big she is. Because she has eaten, she will be slower, and less likely to strike.
Well, must get to the office. I have to buy gas on the way. You know how much I hate being late for work.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Well, It's Official...
Everyone in the office is disturbed, which is a nice way of saying that everyone is going crazy.
Mostly me...and of course, I mirror the frustrations of the entire unit. When one piece falls apart (that's me), it seems like everyone falls apart. I can't be in 20 different places at once. My time for helping is tremendously limited. Today, I got so frustrated at not being able to just "get off the can and get on the stick" so to speak, that I drove myself into a tearful fit. When I got home, I screamed at no one all the way home, and once home, I got out my bag of potato chips and dip and sat down with my favorite comfort food, and blew my diet out of the water.
I feel like crying. I need a shoulder. Hubby came home from mowing his mother's lawn, and expected dinner, and of course, it's not made--because all I can think about is how badly I've been treated over the last 22 years. How I was supposed to get a promotion, and it was never given to me. How I've been doing so much over the last 22 years, and it's all been parceled out to other people who make more money than I ever have.
And what am I doing? Once again, paying bills and filing and answering a stupid phone, simply because people know that "Tenna knows ALL about it. Call her."
Tenna is so tired. Tenna is pretty much used up. Tenna needs a LOT of recognition in the form of promotion and working out of class for the last 22 years. Tenna needs the entire world to hold her up for a while, because right now, she's having this little bitty pity party, all by herself in her own little room, in her own little chair.
In front of her computer.
Right now is not a happy time. Right now feels like crawling into a dark room and hiding out there for about a week...or forever. Right now, forever sounds pretty good. So does the word "retirement". Any idea how much that word makes me yearn?
I've said that when my retirement date comes, there will be no holds barred. I will be off like a prom dress. And there will be no looking back. I've worked hard for this. I can't let it go, not even one more day. Right now, I'm staring into the face of some pretty bleak times, and truth be told, if Perry gets elected and takes away my social security? Frankly, truth be told, if he tries to mess with people's social security, it won't be me that assassinates him. I won't have to. There will be other baby boomers with far less social inhibitions lining up for the job. And when we vote, he will NOT get my vote. You will NOT mess with my social security. I paid into it, I SHOULD GET IT BACK. It was PROMISED to me. And I cannot--CANNOT--work until I'm 70. I will die at my desk. On purpose, just to spite you.
But right now, all I can think about is how slow everything seems to be going. How certain things are NOT getting done, and when it comes time to migrate information, information will NOT be migrated properly, and there will be one huge mess to deal with. Management thinks they have problems now?
I hate my job.I wish I had a degree so that I could get out of this hole. I wish my parents wouldn't have withdrawn their support of me, because I certainly DESERVED their support to my hopes and goals and dreams. I worked so hard. They really let me down. And I was too scared to go into that much debt when no one could promise me a job when I got out of school. And I couldn't find anything for "just the summer" that would pay well enough to put me through my next year of classes. Instead, my parent's supported my brother, who is handsome and has nice teeth--who can charm the socks off anybody while they are still in their shoes. And even today, he gets better employment, and is in management. And I'm stuck in a dead end job that gives no satisfaction whatsoever. The whole thing makes me want to barf.
The only good thing that has ever been, is that I've always had enough money to cover the bills when they came due. But once, just once, I'd like to take a real vacation--go someplace nice, stay in a nice hotel, see a show and have a ton of fun--and not have to worry whether the electric bill got paid or not because I spent the money at the casino! (Not that I spend money at the casino--I don't gamble, and don't like to gamble, it's just AN EXAMPLE.) Sadly, it seems like every time I get a little bit of money ahead, the car breaks down, or gas goes sky high, or something comes up and I can't keep it in my savings account. Every time I think I'm ahead, some invisible leg with a big, hard shoe comes and kicks me in the butt and knocks me down.
My life has sucked pretty bad, much of the time. It's pretty hard to keep a smile on my face. I know there are people out there who are far worse off than me...I'm not discounting that. It's just that it hurts me so bad when I'm passed over for promotion time after time. It makes me feel like I'm not really so well thought of--that people don't like me. And there is really nothing wrong with me, except that my smile isn't the greatest, and some things make me extremely nervous...
Like angry African Americans...or angry people in general. They scare me. What's worse, is they know it, and behave that way, just to see if it will push my buttons enough that they'll get what they want out of me.
Angry people make me cry. Angry people make me cry. It's going to get worse before it gets better. And I'm sitting here, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It will, too. Like a freaking stone.
Mostly me...and of course, I mirror the frustrations of the entire unit. When one piece falls apart (that's me), it seems like everyone falls apart. I can't be in 20 different places at once. My time for helping is tremendously limited. Today, I got so frustrated at not being able to just "get off the can and get on the stick" so to speak, that I drove myself into a tearful fit. When I got home, I screamed at no one all the way home, and once home, I got out my bag of potato chips and dip and sat down with my favorite comfort food, and blew my diet out of the water.
I feel like crying. I need a shoulder. Hubby came home from mowing his mother's lawn, and expected dinner, and of course, it's not made--because all I can think about is how badly I've been treated over the last 22 years. How I was supposed to get a promotion, and it was never given to me. How I've been doing so much over the last 22 years, and it's all been parceled out to other people who make more money than I ever have.
And what am I doing? Once again, paying bills and filing and answering a stupid phone, simply because people know that "Tenna knows ALL about it. Call her."
Tenna is so tired. Tenna is pretty much used up. Tenna needs a LOT of recognition in the form of promotion and working out of class for the last 22 years. Tenna needs the entire world to hold her up for a while, because right now, she's having this little bitty pity party, all by herself in her own little room, in her own little chair.
In front of her computer.
Right now is not a happy time. Right now feels like crawling into a dark room and hiding out there for about a week...or forever. Right now, forever sounds pretty good. So does the word "retirement". Any idea how much that word makes me yearn?
I've said that when my retirement date comes, there will be no holds barred. I will be off like a prom dress. And there will be no looking back. I've worked hard for this. I can't let it go, not even one more day. Right now, I'm staring into the face of some pretty bleak times, and truth be told, if Perry gets elected and takes away my social security? Frankly, truth be told, if he tries to mess with people's social security, it won't be me that assassinates him. I won't have to. There will be other baby boomers with far less social inhibitions lining up for the job. And when we vote, he will NOT get my vote. You will NOT mess with my social security. I paid into it, I SHOULD GET IT BACK. It was PROMISED to me. And I cannot--CANNOT--work until I'm 70. I will die at my desk. On purpose, just to spite you.
But right now, all I can think about is how slow everything seems to be going. How certain things are NOT getting done, and when it comes time to migrate information, information will NOT be migrated properly, and there will be one huge mess to deal with. Management thinks they have problems now?
I hate my job.I wish I had a degree so that I could get out of this hole. I wish my parents wouldn't have withdrawn their support of me, because I certainly DESERVED their support to my hopes and goals and dreams. I worked so hard. They really let me down. And I was too scared to go into that much debt when no one could promise me a job when I got out of school. And I couldn't find anything for "just the summer" that would pay well enough to put me through my next year of classes. Instead, my parent's supported my brother, who is handsome and has nice teeth--who can charm the socks off anybody while they are still in their shoes. And even today, he gets better employment, and is in management. And I'm stuck in a dead end job that gives no satisfaction whatsoever. The whole thing makes me want to barf.
The only good thing that has ever been, is that I've always had enough money to cover the bills when they came due. But once, just once, I'd like to take a real vacation--go someplace nice, stay in a nice hotel, see a show and have a ton of fun--and not have to worry whether the electric bill got paid or not because I spent the money at the casino! (Not that I spend money at the casino--I don't gamble, and don't like to gamble, it's just AN EXAMPLE.) Sadly, it seems like every time I get a little bit of money ahead, the car breaks down, or gas goes sky high, or something comes up and I can't keep it in my savings account. Every time I think I'm ahead, some invisible leg with a big, hard shoe comes and kicks me in the butt and knocks me down.
My life has sucked pretty bad, much of the time. It's pretty hard to keep a smile on my face. I know there are people out there who are far worse off than me...I'm not discounting that. It's just that it hurts me so bad when I'm passed over for promotion time after time. It makes me feel like I'm not really so well thought of--that people don't like me. And there is really nothing wrong with me, except that my smile isn't the greatest, and some things make me extremely nervous...
Like angry African Americans...or angry people in general. They scare me. What's worse, is they know it, and behave that way, just to see if it will push my buttons enough that they'll get what they want out of me.
Angry people make me cry. Angry people make me cry. It's going to get worse before it gets better. And I'm sitting here, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It will, too. Like a freaking stone.
The Most Adorable Toy!
Found here...
The Pattern, on Ravelry, for only $5, here.
Excitement? Yes. The designer, Debbie Birkin, has a large number of dolls and teddies of all sorts and sizes. Some are small enough to fit into a pocket. This gal is the bomb! She even has a Raggedy Ann and Andy that look so much like the sewn one that it's simply incredible. I used to have one of those sewn ones, and I still have the pattern! I'd like to make everything she has, and I think I have one of her rabbits.
So go look, and take a peek at her projects and other designs. I think you'll come away DELIGHTED as I was!
Monday, September 12, 2011
A Short Break
I needed a little down time from the shawl. It's really hot today, and having that much alpaca on top of me just didn't sound too appealing.
So I stopped at Meijer's, picked up a skein of Sugar N Cream, and crocheted up one of those diagonal potholders.
What fun! A little boring, but a cute little item that went really quickly, and I have a potholder in my drawer for the pain and boring of it.
You start with a crochet chain as long as you want the diagonal to be. Then you start working single crochets in all but the first ch from hook, work 3 singles in the last chain, then working on the opposite side of the chain, put an sc in each ch across, then work 2 sc in the last ch.
Now you just work in rounds and make a bag, of sorts, doing a single crochet in every single crochet. As you get "taller" the top and bottom "points" become evident, and you fold, origami style. Keep crocheting until the rows come together close, then tie off at the end (or close to it). Leave enough yarn to sew the opening shut, AND to chain yourself a little loop to hang it with.
You can crochet it together, but it leave a bump, and pans may not sit flat on it...but I crocheted mine shut. Guess that makes me a rebel.
And here's the finished product for your review:
Pretty cool, huh? I used a variegated yarn, which I think adds a lot of interest. None of the colors match my kitchen colors, but it's a potholder, right? I mean, do we have potholder police?
With that, I blog, check Ravelry, look at Facebook, maybe knit some on my shawl, then to bed with me.
Sleep tight!
So I stopped at Meijer's, picked up a skein of Sugar N Cream, and crocheted up one of those diagonal potholders.
What fun! A little boring, but a cute little item that went really quickly, and I have a potholder in my drawer for the pain and boring of it.
You start with a crochet chain as long as you want the diagonal to be. Then you start working single crochets in all but the first ch from hook, work 3 singles in the last chain, then working on the opposite side of the chain, put an sc in each ch across, then work 2 sc in the last ch.
Now you just work in rounds and make a bag, of sorts, doing a single crochet in every single crochet. As you get "taller" the top and bottom "points" become evident, and you fold, origami style. Keep crocheting until the rows come together close, then tie off at the end (or close to it). Leave enough yarn to sew the opening shut, AND to chain yourself a little loop to hang it with.
You can crochet it together, but it leave a bump, and pans may not sit flat on it...but I crocheted mine shut. Guess that makes me a rebel.
And here's the finished product for your review:
With that, I blog, check Ravelry, look at Facebook, maybe knit some on my shawl, then to bed with me.
Sleep tight!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
How Far...
I made it through row 31, but I'm not at all sure if I did the round correctly, because I was hot ans sweaty and half asleep. I honestly thought it was a lot later than it is (10pm). I've been knitting pretty much non-stop since I woke up. I have only 19 more rows to go, and already planning my purchases for Catkin.
But right now, the old eyes have had it. I'm going to go to sleep, and hope that I can see in the morning.
Gnite.
But right now, the old eyes have had it. I'm going to go to sleep, and hope that I can see in the morning.
Gnite.
Row 25...
This morning I woke at approximately 9am, watching a little bit of the remembrance show, and knitting my buns off, realizing that I told you I had 3 rows to go before I got to row 25, which is the halfway point on the last chart for the shawl, when in FACT, I was ON row 25 (or more correctly, about to begin row 25) when I put it down last night, too exhausted to go on.
But this morning I finished it and also row 26, so now I am MORE than half way done. So I set it down again to get up and blog about it. And I am just that much closer to Catkin.
Can I get a WOOT?
But this morning I finished it and also row 26, so now I am MORE than half way done. So I set it down again to get up and blog about it. And I am just that much closer to Catkin.
Can I get a WOOT?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I Do Swear...
Yes, indeed I do. Blue steam comes out of my ears, and some people have been known to turn blue if they stand too close.
But under normal circumstance...ah...not so much. I tend to catch myself before I turn people into Smurfs.
Today was not the day.
A certain someone made plans to come see me today to retrieve some items that we have been holding for her for SEVERAL months. She said she would be here at 11am. It's now nearly 11pm, and no sign of her. Not even a peep.
I'm pretty angry. Not so much that I will swear a blue streak, but I had wanted to drive in to JoAnn's and demo today, and never got the chance. I had to stay home and wait for somebody who never showed up. Doesn't that just make you mad? Well, it sure makes me mad.
On a good note, I was able to sit all day and get some knitting done. I have 3 more rows and I will be half done with the last chart. It's coming along well. I see light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not an oncoming train.
On another bad note, I didn't eat well today, and I know that my sugar is probably somewhere out in outer space. Nearly bedtime, and I am sweating like it was the middle of the dog days of summer, and I'm wondering if I'm going to swim myself to sleep tonight or drown in my own perspiration. Shew!
But I've taken my night time pills, so I will soon pass out. I hope the dog doesn't wake me too early.
Tomorrow is 9/11. The 10th anniversary. Today was 9/10/11. I didn't see anything bad happen yet today, but it's still early yet. I'm considering looking on cnn.com to see if anything bad has happened, or if there's more report on the chatter from Pakistan...sigh. The whole business is just one big mess. I figure it took them so long to find Osama, because he was pretty much close to dying anyway. Our guys just went in there and did him a favor so that they couldn't sneak him away and say he rose again, or something like that.
So the world turns. So does my stomach. I'm going to get some rest now. Just as soon as I...
But under normal circumstance...ah...not so much. I tend to catch myself before I turn people into Smurfs.
Today was not the day.
A certain someone made plans to come see me today to retrieve some items that we have been holding for her for SEVERAL months. She said she would be here at 11am. It's now nearly 11pm, and no sign of her. Not even a peep.
I'm pretty angry. Not so much that I will swear a blue streak, but I had wanted to drive in to JoAnn's and demo today, and never got the chance. I had to stay home and wait for somebody who never showed up. Doesn't that just make you mad? Well, it sure makes me mad.
On a good note, I was able to sit all day and get some knitting done. I have 3 more rows and I will be half done with the last chart. It's coming along well. I see light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not an oncoming train.
On another bad note, I didn't eat well today, and I know that my sugar is probably somewhere out in outer space. Nearly bedtime, and I am sweating like it was the middle of the dog days of summer, and I'm wondering if I'm going to swim myself to sleep tonight or drown in my own perspiration. Shew!
But I've taken my night time pills, so I will soon pass out. I hope the dog doesn't wake me too early.
Tomorrow is 9/11. The 10th anniversary. Today was 9/10/11. I didn't see anything bad happen yet today, but it's still early yet. I'm considering looking on cnn.com to see if anything bad has happened, or if there's more report on the chatter from Pakistan...sigh. The whole business is just one big mess. I figure it took them so long to find Osama, because he was pretty much close to dying anyway. Our guys just went in there and did him a favor so that they couldn't sneak him away and say he rose again, or something like that.
So the world turns. So does my stomach. I'm going to get some rest now. Just as soon as I...
Having MisCounted...
I told you the other day that I had 100 rows of the last chart. Well, I was wrong. There are only 47 rows on the last chart. And even though I'm not scared to put 100 rows on the last chart, I think I will stop at 50, because 50 is a lot of stitches.
Over 50,000, in fact.
I am 18 rows into that 50, so I am nearly half way there, and by the end of the weekend, I ought to be halfway (or more) there.
Which means I am possibly a week away from being done.
This is only bad because I think this weekend is the local fair, and I won't be able to enter it into the fair this year. (Boo Hoo) Perhaps next year.
The changes at the office have been discussed with the clerical staff, and the jobs have been pared down, but things are still pretty hectic and will continue to be--my phone still rings off the wall, because people know that I answer my phone, and barring that, I answer my voice mail.
One of the staff had 87 voice mails on her phone! Well, to be fair, she couldn't access it (broken), and so the voice mail just filled right up! But 87 voice mails! It would have taken HOURS to handle those calls.
And now, even the voice mails on MY phone (including the calls that come in) won't be mine to answer, and I'll be able to put a message on my phone to contact another clerical person, who will likely be the first line phone person. She has no idea what she's in for. She's a little snotty too, so it doesn't bother me a bit.
And I will take over the job for another gal in the office--taking back the job I used to do. It's going to feel a little like coming home. I'll have enough time to get comfortable, and they'll change things again. But I'll be in a position where I can possibly save the State some money. We'll see how that pans out.
In the meanwhile, I'm on my way to make some oatmeal for breakfast. Would you like some, too?
Over 50,000, in fact.
I am 18 rows into that 50, so I am nearly half way there, and by the end of the weekend, I ought to be halfway (or more) there.
Which means I am possibly a week away from being done.
This is only bad because I think this weekend is the local fair, and I won't be able to enter it into the fair this year. (Boo Hoo) Perhaps next year.
The changes at the office have been discussed with the clerical staff, and the jobs have been pared down, but things are still pretty hectic and will continue to be--my phone still rings off the wall, because people know that I answer my phone, and barring that, I answer my voice mail.
One of the staff had 87 voice mails on her phone! Well, to be fair, she couldn't access it (broken), and so the voice mail just filled right up! But 87 voice mails! It would have taken HOURS to handle those calls.
And now, even the voice mails on MY phone (including the calls that come in) won't be mine to answer, and I'll be able to put a message on my phone to contact another clerical person, who will likely be the first line phone person. She has no idea what she's in for. She's a little snotty too, so it doesn't bother me a bit.
And I will take over the job for another gal in the office--taking back the job I used to do. It's going to feel a little like coming home. I'll have enough time to get comfortable, and they'll change things again. But I'll be in a position where I can possibly save the State some money. We'll see how that pans out.
In the meanwhile, I'm on my way to make some oatmeal for breakfast. Would you like some, too?
Big Changes
Well, they are making lots of changes in our office, my current job is being farmed out, as expected when they asked me for a detailed report of how I do my job. Sigh. But there are some positive changes taking place, that I think I might be able to get really excited about. That is, if they last. Changes in programming are coming down the pike, and will likely affect my job in some pretty big ways.
And there's a small niggling concern that someone is going to get the promotion that I would like to have, but that's yet to be seen. For now, I guess I'm happy to have a job. And what will be, will be.
Other, more personal issues exist. My mother is getting older and more frail every day. She's much shorter and quite a lot thinner than I ever remember her being. Her nose seems too big for her face. She complains about not being able to stand at the sink very long to do her dishes, and of course, her home is to her what the ring is to Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Her precious.
She very much wants to live out the rest of her days in peace and quiet. To be able to rest at night without my son in the other room, giggling and talking to himself while he plays all night long on the internet. Quite honestly, she's been hoping for that most of her life, and there have only been a few brief episodes of it. I worry about her being alone. I think that for all that, my son is an active presence most of the time, and at her age, she kind of needs that. If not for the social end of it, then for the "something to give a hoot about" side.
But my son is probably not the best choice for all that she might need in the near future. He has no training in nursing of any sort. It's not that she needs a nurse, but should she have a stroke, he wouldn't know the first thing to do beyond call 911. And a lot can go quite wrong in that first hour. He's been fired from his job, and stays up all night playing on the computer, so he sleeps all day and doesn't hunt for any new employment. She is paying his bills. I don't know how she can afford it. I work full time, and I can't afford to pay his bills. I think she goes without a lot, and he doesn't appreciate it or understand it. I'm really angry with my son. He's really angry at me, although he would never admit it to my face. In fact, he is rarely honest with me, but when he is, it's always with this dramatic, vehement, corrosive, explosive FURY, and I just shut down and let him rant. Apparently, he never learned how to express himself without rage and righteous indignation. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe I shut him down too much when he was little. I suppose I can own some of that. Everyone needs to be heard. I was pretty worried about everyone back then, including myself, and making sure that there was a roof and food and heat in the winter, warm clothing to wear, and I got very little help along the way. When I asked for help, I did get it, but I rarely asked, because I didn't want to impose on people who really didn't own the responsibility.
My son is a very angry person. There are several factors, not the least of which involve a chemical depression that has surfaced and been exacerbated by the use of pot and other illicit drugs. He has basically undone himself this way, because I have NEVER been a pill taker--and never so much as took a drag on a cigarette. The wine of choice was Pepsi cola or Coke, whatever was at hand where ever I might be eating, and detest gambling with the one-armed bandits. I've had friends ask me to go with, and I always turn them down, finding some excuse not to go. The bandits don't interest me. When you only get 79% back on your investment on a good day--that's not doing very well. In other words, you put in $100, you may win $79? Just not my ideal odds. But my son is angry at me. There are a number of reasons why, I'm sure. Not the least of which that he believes that I abandoned him, and that I drove away any male that might have a good impression on him. He is also angry with me over my ex-husband--that I married him in the first place. But to be fair to the man I married, he and I were fine together. It was only when my son came into the mix that things blew up...and all due to my son's anger. My son claims I'm addicted to yarn. Actually, that's only partly true. I'm addicted to anything craft/fiber. However, I am also a prolific creator, and I am always on the go. There's not much that I cannot do, and that which I can do, well, let's just say it's a long list. My son, on the other hand, while he has a fair number of talents, he is greatly limited by his lack of wages--but he is a very excellent writer--in fact he has written many poems. The sad part is that they are all VERY dark and gloomy, and prove the extent of his depression. He is apparently good at playing games on Facebook. I don't do that at all.
His anger has bought him a lot of trouble over the years. I believe his drug use is a scheme to "get even" with me, believing me to be the source of all of his pain and hurt. In fact, I've pointed out to him that it was his choice to go down this or that road, and that's when I get this "talk to the hand" mentality. He is also very impulsive. Well, for that matter, so am I. But there are times, when faced with a fork in the road, I will try to choose the correct one. Sometimes, those choices aren't always the most "choice" of choices. If you know what I mean.
And so, having all this personal CRAP on my mind, my boss tells me that my job is going to change dramatically. Well, what next? A flood? A fire? Why not just burn down the building? I feel anxious and worried and fearful, and woeful and grieving all at the same time. It's not fair that "when it rains, it pours", because I don't mind the occasional sprinkle, but it seems like I end up feet up in the pool sometimes no matter what I do. And so they tell me that I can't share it with anybody...at least not until the dust settles, and the circus becomes a well oiled machine again. The process will be revisited again in the future. I can't post this until the changes go into effect, and I can't talk about it with anybody, except my husband, who really thinks I'm being stupid for worrying so much--I mean, why would I think this supervisor would have my best interests at heart, when all the others have taken advantage of my skills? So I took the issue to my therapist. Who, admittedly, is a very upbeat person. I walked in all gloomy Gus, and walked out feeling more positive, but talked myself right back into gloomy Gus on the way home to the point where I needed a reassuring hug from my practical husband who said "You are fretting about nothing! It sounds like a GREAT opportunity to prove yourself." Well, yes, that is true. But I continue to fret and stew. I knit to forget it for a while. I knit to sort through it all. It grounds me.
And so you won't see this post until the changes take place. At that time, I will likely have WAY more to say--right now, I'm most worried about training and teaching how to do my job to people who may or may not be up to the challenge--because splitting my job between 5 people---can you imagine? I do the work of 5 people? And they say that government needs to cut back. Oh, that's another story for another day. How they can hire full time employees at a higher wage than I've even dreamed of, give them all the same benefits, and let me drift off into obscurity because I'm a union employee? You want to talk about angry feelings. Well, I won't go there. I've got enough on my plate right now that I'm considering taking tomorrow off. Or maybe Friday so I can have another 3 day weekend. Alright. I'm back to anxious again.
And there's a small niggling concern that someone is going to get the promotion that I would like to have, but that's yet to be seen. For now, I guess I'm happy to have a job. And what will be, will be.
Other, more personal issues exist. My mother is getting older and more frail every day. She's much shorter and quite a lot thinner than I ever remember her being. Her nose seems too big for her face. She complains about not being able to stand at the sink very long to do her dishes, and of course, her home is to her what the ring is to Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Her precious.
She very much wants to live out the rest of her days in peace and quiet. To be able to rest at night without my son in the other room, giggling and talking to himself while he plays all night long on the internet. Quite honestly, she's been hoping for that most of her life, and there have only been a few brief episodes of it. I worry about her being alone. I think that for all that, my son is an active presence most of the time, and at her age, she kind of needs that. If not for the social end of it, then for the "something to give a hoot about" side.
But my son is probably not the best choice for all that she might need in the near future. He has no training in nursing of any sort. It's not that she needs a nurse, but should she have a stroke, he wouldn't know the first thing to do beyond call 911. And a lot can go quite wrong in that first hour. He's been fired from his job, and stays up all night playing on the computer, so he sleeps all day and doesn't hunt for any new employment. She is paying his bills. I don't know how she can afford it. I work full time, and I can't afford to pay his bills. I think she goes without a lot, and he doesn't appreciate it or understand it. I'm really angry with my son. He's really angry at me, although he would never admit it to my face. In fact, he is rarely honest with me, but when he is, it's always with this dramatic, vehement, corrosive, explosive FURY, and I just shut down and let him rant. Apparently, he never learned how to express himself without rage and righteous indignation. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe I shut him down too much when he was little. I suppose I can own some of that. Everyone needs to be heard. I was pretty worried about everyone back then, including myself, and making sure that there was a roof and food and heat in the winter, warm clothing to wear, and I got very little help along the way. When I asked for help, I did get it, but I rarely asked, because I didn't want to impose on people who really didn't own the responsibility.
My son is a very angry person. There are several factors, not the least of which involve a chemical depression that has surfaced and been exacerbated by the use of pot and other illicit drugs. He has basically undone himself this way, because I have NEVER been a pill taker--and never so much as took a drag on a cigarette. The wine of choice was Pepsi cola or Coke, whatever was at hand where ever I might be eating, and detest gambling with the one-armed bandits. I've had friends ask me to go with, and I always turn them down, finding some excuse not to go. The bandits don't interest me. When you only get 79% back on your investment on a good day--that's not doing very well. In other words, you put in $100, you may win $79? Just not my ideal odds. But my son is angry at me. There are a number of reasons why, I'm sure. Not the least of which that he believes that I abandoned him, and that I drove away any male that might have a good impression on him. He is also angry with me over my ex-husband--that I married him in the first place. But to be fair to the man I married, he and I were fine together. It was only when my son came into the mix that things blew up...and all due to my son's anger. My son claims I'm addicted to yarn. Actually, that's only partly true. I'm addicted to anything craft/fiber. However, I am also a prolific creator, and I am always on the go. There's not much that I cannot do, and that which I can do, well, let's just say it's a long list. My son, on the other hand, while he has a fair number of talents, he is greatly limited by his lack of wages--but he is a very excellent writer--in fact he has written many poems. The sad part is that they are all VERY dark and gloomy, and prove the extent of his depression. He is apparently good at playing games on Facebook. I don't do that at all.
His anger has bought him a lot of trouble over the years. I believe his drug use is a scheme to "get even" with me, believing me to be the source of all of his pain and hurt. In fact, I've pointed out to him that it was his choice to go down this or that road, and that's when I get this "talk to the hand" mentality. He is also very impulsive. Well, for that matter, so am I. But there are times, when faced with a fork in the road, I will try to choose the correct one. Sometimes, those choices aren't always the most "choice" of choices. If you know what I mean.
And so, having all this personal CRAP on my mind, my boss tells me that my job is going to change dramatically. Well, what next? A flood? A fire? Why not just burn down the building? I feel anxious and worried and fearful, and woeful and grieving all at the same time. It's not fair that "when it rains, it pours", because I don't mind the occasional sprinkle, but it seems like I end up feet up in the pool sometimes no matter what I do. And so they tell me that I can't share it with anybody...at least not until the dust settles, and the circus becomes a well oiled machine again. The process will be revisited again in the future. I can't post this until the changes go into effect, and I can't talk about it with anybody, except my husband, who really thinks I'm being stupid for worrying so much--I mean, why would I think this supervisor would have my best interests at heart, when all the others have taken advantage of my skills? So I took the issue to my therapist. Who, admittedly, is a very upbeat person. I walked in all gloomy Gus, and walked out feeling more positive, but talked myself right back into gloomy Gus on the way home to the point where I needed a reassuring hug from my practical husband who said "You are fretting about nothing! It sounds like a GREAT opportunity to prove yourself." Well, yes, that is true. But I continue to fret and stew. I knit to forget it for a while. I knit to sort through it all. It grounds me.
And so you won't see this post until the changes take place. At that time, I will likely have WAY more to say--right now, I'm most worried about training and teaching how to do my job to people who may or may not be up to the challenge--because splitting my job between 5 people---can you imagine? I do the work of 5 people? And they say that government needs to cut back. Oh, that's another story for another day. How they can hire full time employees at a higher wage than I've even dreamed of, give them all the same benefits, and let me drift off into obscurity because I'm a union employee? You want to talk about angry feelings. Well, I won't go there. I've got enough on my plate right now that I'm considering taking tomorrow off. Or maybe Friday so I can have another 3 day weekend. Alright. I'm back to anxious again.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Progress...
Okay, there's not much. I got two rounds done--that's 2100 stitches. I just finished round 7 and started round 8, which is a resting row. I should get two rows done per day now that I'm working again (that 3-day weekend did wonders for my progress on this shawl!). Working days, however, play havoc with my spare time. Then I come home, have to eat dinner, and clean up (usually), which also bites into my time...or just bites, whichever way you'd like to understand it.
But I won't have the shawl done in time for the local fair (next weekend). I cannot possibly get it done, not even if I took the rest of the week off! I knit for 2.5 hours tonight at knit night and only got 2 rounds done. That's a pittance...or maybe I did 3 and just don't remember. 3154 stitches does sound a little better, but when you're talking about over 100,000 stitches, well, it just seems like a drop in the bucket.
Even so, the designer was very nice to get back to me on Ravelry (and also left a comment here, so I am so blessed!!!) as quickly as she did--it helped me to get started and back going. The most unfortunate thing about it all is that now, there are too many stitches around to take it to the office...because I cannot possibly get a round done in an hour, and I have to eat.
Though, truth be known, I almost didn't even get a lunch today due to writing up my procedural manual for the supervisor. She wants it so she can farm it out to her staff. Pretty soon, I won't have a job except for answering the flipping phone and filing, which disgusts me. I'm not sure why the bosses think that I can't handle my job, but it's quite possible that they want me to do something else. It wouldn't be the first time my job has changed. I'm quite resistant to change, I'm finding out. Well, perhaps not CHANGE so much as concern that I might miss something in the training, and that will end up resulting in more mistakes being made. I just cannot tolerate training someone who simply cannot do the job properly. And I am a tough taskmaster.
Well, it's 11pm, so I best turn in. I'd really like to say more, but beyond the fact that I'm a little worried about my mum--she's getting on in years. I worry that one day soon, we'll lose her. She's not as strong as she used to be, and her home has been her whole life. She says it bothers her to stand at the sink and do dishes now.
Yep. Worried about her.
But I won't have the shawl done in time for the local fair (next weekend). I cannot possibly get it done, not even if I took the rest of the week off! I knit for 2.5 hours tonight at knit night and only got 2 rounds done. That's a pittance...or maybe I did 3 and just don't remember. 3154 stitches does sound a little better, but when you're talking about over 100,000 stitches, well, it just seems like a drop in the bucket.
Even so, the designer was very nice to get back to me on Ravelry (and also left a comment here, so I am so blessed!!!) as quickly as she did--it helped me to get started and back going. The most unfortunate thing about it all is that now, there are too many stitches around to take it to the office...because I cannot possibly get a round done in an hour, and I have to eat.
Though, truth be known, I almost didn't even get a lunch today due to writing up my procedural manual for the supervisor. She wants it so she can farm it out to her staff. Pretty soon, I won't have a job except for answering the flipping phone and filing, which disgusts me. I'm not sure why the bosses think that I can't handle my job, but it's quite possible that they want me to do something else. It wouldn't be the first time my job has changed. I'm quite resistant to change, I'm finding out. Well, perhaps not CHANGE so much as concern that I might miss something in the training, and that will end up resulting in more mistakes being made. I just cannot tolerate training someone who simply cannot do the job properly. And I am a tough taskmaster.
Well, it's 11pm, so I best turn in. I'd really like to say more, but beyond the fact that I'm a little worried about my mum--she's getting on in years. I worry that one day soon, we'll lose her. She's not as strong as she used to be, and her home has been her whole life. She says it bothers her to stand at the sink and do dishes now.
Yep. Worried about her.
Monday, September 5, 2011
STALL!
Okay, I finished chart 3, and on to chart 4, only to find out that I'm stalled. The chart/instructions don't seem right to me, so I've written to the designer, and she looked at her notes, and..
This morning I got my reply...
I am RIGHT! I am RIGHT! I couldn't believe it, but I'm not as stupid as I look, and apparently I know a little more about charting lace than I thought.
You DO have to move the marker back one stitch for the last chart to come out right.
I feel so vindicated. My next shawl will be my own design. I can hardly wait.
But first, Catkin. I am really, quite suddenly, in love with the pattern, and I think I'm either going to make it in autumn colors, or sky colors--it's got me SO hooked.
And now that I feel like Super Knitter, I think I can handle it.
Have a nice Labor Day.
This morning I got my reply...
I am RIGHT! I am RIGHT! I couldn't believe it, but I'm not as stupid as I look, and apparently I know a little more about charting lace than I thought.
You DO have to move the marker back one stitch for the last chart to come out right.
I feel so vindicated. My next shawl will be my own design. I can hardly wait.
But first, Catkin. I am really, quite suddenly, in love with the pattern, and I think I'm either going to make it in autumn colors, or sky colors--it's got me SO hooked.
And now that I feel like Super Knitter, I think I can handle it.
Have a nice Labor Day.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Breathing..
Breathing in the dog days of summer is a fine art. The heat is unbearable--in fact, it's been so hot throughout August that I haven't even seen any "Yellow Jacket" Bees. Our sedum plants want to flower, but I think it's due to the lack of bees that they haven't even turned pink yet. Even the burning bush is slower turning red this year.
But breathing? Yesterday was so hot that I pretty much stayed in my bedroom with the A/C on full blast, in and out of bed mostly because the heat just drove the life right out of me. Who would have guessed that Michigan would be the new Florida. However, I understand that Oklahoma and Texas have not fared well this year, either.
I've often thought of moving to Canada and even Alaska. My fear is that the winters are simply too cold. Bone chilling cold. My husband and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum. If it's hot, and it doesn't matter if it's "dry heat", I may as well be dead. I can warm up the cold, but you really can't sufficiently cool off the heat. My husband is totally opposite--he doesn't mind the heat, and sweats profusely (just ask the laundry). So much so that he can literally sit in a chair and drip puddles. He can even sweat in a snowstorm--and I've seen that happen. Out on the driveway, blowing snow, turning into ice because he's SWEATING. When my husband comes into the house on a cold winter's day, after blowing out the driveway, I have to sit him down in front of the fire to thaw. So if we move anywhere, it has to be somewhere on a beach--or perhaps with a pool--so that he can cool down his body. In the winter, I can still sit him in front of the fire.
But when it's hot like this, I can't even knit. That's a bad thing. I have a chair in my bedroom, but it's tucked away from the A/C, and it's a wooden rocker, so it's not too comfortable for sitting and relaxing. My slider in the living room is meant for that. I can sit there for hours and knit, but not in the heat, because there is no A/C in the living room. We have just a small air conditioner in the bedroom so that we can at least SLEEP during the dog days, and even that has been difficult this year. I also think that the poor little machine has seen it's better days and isn't working as well as it could. Poor thing. I think it might be a candidate for a trip to the dump before snow flies. This means that hubby is going to have to put in the bigger unit in the living room before things get too crazy next year--which will keep us cool in the living room, but I'm concerned that the chill won't make it to the bedroom without a fan. Right now it's just too difficult to consider. All I can think about is the 16 remaining rows that I can't knit because I can't get comfortable in my chair!
Now all of this means nothing to anyone but me. It seems everything gets hotter (and colder) as I age, and I'm feeling too warm now, and the thermometer says it's humid, but only 70 degrees out. I used to pray to God to make it 70 degrees year 'round. Now, I pray for 55. I can walk to work in 55 degrees. But when it hits 70 (unless it's DRY), I can't breathe. I'm a little addicted to breathing. It's a good thing to do now and then, but I do it pretty regularly--it helps keep me alive, I think. But when it's hot like this, I almost don't breathe (deep in, blow out) at all.
My husband, however, can breathe deeply all the time. In fact, he's snoring now.
How he can sleep when I'm not even breathing is amazing to me. And darn it, I want to get back to my knitting!
Wish me luck, because I'm going to try. Right after I tie up my hair and put on the deodorant that will give out on me in the first hour.
But breathing? Yesterday was so hot that I pretty much stayed in my bedroom with the A/C on full blast, in and out of bed mostly because the heat just drove the life right out of me. Who would have guessed that Michigan would be the new Florida. However, I understand that Oklahoma and Texas have not fared well this year, either.
I've often thought of moving to Canada and even Alaska. My fear is that the winters are simply too cold. Bone chilling cold. My husband and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum. If it's hot, and it doesn't matter if it's "dry heat", I may as well be dead. I can warm up the cold, but you really can't sufficiently cool off the heat. My husband is totally opposite--he doesn't mind the heat, and sweats profusely (just ask the laundry). So much so that he can literally sit in a chair and drip puddles. He can even sweat in a snowstorm--and I've seen that happen. Out on the driveway, blowing snow, turning into ice because he's SWEATING. When my husband comes into the house on a cold winter's day, after blowing out the driveway, I have to sit him down in front of the fire to thaw. So if we move anywhere, it has to be somewhere on a beach--or perhaps with a pool--so that he can cool down his body. In the winter, I can still sit him in front of the fire.
But when it's hot like this, I can't even knit. That's a bad thing. I have a chair in my bedroom, but it's tucked away from the A/C, and it's a wooden rocker, so it's not too comfortable for sitting and relaxing. My slider in the living room is meant for that. I can sit there for hours and knit, but not in the heat, because there is no A/C in the living room. We have just a small air conditioner in the bedroom so that we can at least SLEEP during the dog days, and even that has been difficult this year. I also think that the poor little machine has seen it's better days and isn't working as well as it could. Poor thing. I think it might be a candidate for a trip to the dump before snow flies. This means that hubby is going to have to put in the bigger unit in the living room before things get too crazy next year--which will keep us cool in the living room, but I'm concerned that the chill won't make it to the bedroom without a fan. Right now it's just too difficult to consider. All I can think about is the 16 remaining rows that I can't knit because I can't get comfortable in my chair!
Now all of this means nothing to anyone but me. It seems everything gets hotter (and colder) as I age, and I'm feeling too warm now, and the thermometer says it's humid, but only 70 degrees out. I used to pray to God to make it 70 degrees year 'round. Now, I pray for 55. I can walk to work in 55 degrees. But when it hits 70 (unless it's DRY), I can't breathe. I'm a little addicted to breathing. It's a good thing to do now and then, but I do it pretty regularly--it helps keep me alive, I think. But when it's hot like this, I almost don't breathe (deep in, blow out) at all.
My husband, however, can breathe deeply all the time. In fact, he's snoring now.
How he can sleep when I'm not even breathing is amazing to me. And darn it, I want to get back to my knitting!
Wish me luck, because I'm going to try. Right after I tie up my hair and put on the deodorant that will give out on me in the first hour.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Waking Up With Sinus
There is almost nothing worse than waking up feeling like your entire head is in a vise, with someone turning the set screw, just a little, every time you try to breathe.
That's sort of what having a sinus attack is like, and in this humidity, with all the pollen in the air, it's nearly impossible to escape.
Enter in, Zyrtec. Add Zyrtec and water, go to bed and hope the pressure behind your eyeballs goes back to sleep, even if it's only for a little while.
Beyond that, there's not much you can do. The humidity is so high that my poor snake can't see out of her pen. I'm going to have to take her out today. She looks to be roasting in there--all stretched out, trying to grab the little droplets of water. The other animals in the house are equally hampered, what with all the hair. My husband is in his computer room playing a game, and I don't see how he can STAND it in there. I'm literally glued to the room with air conditioning. I thought it was supposed to be cooler today. I was hoping to get out and get groceries, but it would appear...
I'm hoping to feel better later, and I might get the chance to do just that. In the meanwhile, I think I'm going to lay my poor little head down on the pillow for a little while.
That's sort of what having a sinus attack is like, and in this humidity, with all the pollen in the air, it's nearly impossible to escape.
Enter in, Zyrtec. Add Zyrtec and water, go to bed and hope the pressure behind your eyeballs goes back to sleep, even if it's only for a little while.
Beyond that, there's not much you can do. The humidity is so high that my poor snake can't see out of her pen. I'm going to have to take her out today. She looks to be roasting in there--all stretched out, trying to grab the little droplets of water. The other animals in the house are equally hampered, what with all the hair. My husband is in his computer room playing a game, and I don't see how he can STAND it in there. I'm literally glued to the room with air conditioning. I thought it was supposed to be cooler today. I was hoping to get out and get groceries, but it would appear...
I'm hoping to feel better later, and I might get the chance to do just that. In the meanwhile, I think I'm going to lay my poor little head down on the pillow for a little while.
Friday, September 2, 2011
The Day I Decided..
There comes a day in everybody's life, when they simply have to admit, that while their brain still functions twenty miles per hour faster than their body can work, the body is simply getting older.
Today was that day. I asked my husband to install a stabilizer bar in the tub. I am very unsteady in there on two feet, let alone one (because I scrub my feets there), and I have nothing but a slick wall to steady myself. I'm getting a little arthritic in my back, and have to steady myself to slip my toes into the pants--now, I know that I could sit down on the bed to do that part, and I do, but you can't do that when you're taking a shower. If I should fall, and I do expect that to happen at some point, I would not be able to raise myself up.
I do fear a broken hip may be in my future, and I would like to avoid it if possible.
My husband's answer is a bath matt. Well, for those of us who have cleaned bathmats (and I'm quite sure he's NEVER so much as PEEKED under one), we know that while they might steady the feet, they still don't steady the upper part of the body. And you cannot get those sticky flowers, butterflies and other manner of things people stick to the bottom of tubs to keep you from slipping and falling on your collective, UP and OUT when you no longer want that kind of decoration, or they start to deteriorate, fade and no longer look, well--decorative.
My husband says "no" to stabilizer bar. He doesn't get that there really is a need here. I am no longer 26. Or 30, or even 40, and while I am not 60 or 80, I would feel much safer if I had something to hang onto while I wash my feet. So maybe I will buy something to sit on in the shower, so that at least I can sit down to wash the last of me. Maybe a chair in the shower. His BarquaLounger sounds like a good idea, though I don't think it would fit. My mother has a stainless and plastic stool she keeps in her shower. Of course, it takes up LOTS more room than a stabilizer bar, and maybe that's my answer. Threaten a stool in the shower if he doesn't provide a stabilizer bar. A stool that he would have to take out if he should desire to shower. It's a thought.
In the meanwhile, I sit down to put my pants on. I'll have to work onHIM the shower end of it.
Today was that day. I asked my husband to install a stabilizer bar in the tub. I am very unsteady in there on two feet, let alone one (because I scrub my feets there), and I have nothing but a slick wall to steady myself. I'm getting a little arthritic in my back, and have to steady myself to slip my toes into the pants--now, I know that I could sit down on the bed to do that part, and I do, but you can't do that when you're taking a shower. If I should fall, and I do expect that to happen at some point, I would not be able to raise myself up.
I do fear a broken hip may be in my future, and I would like to avoid it if possible.
My husband's answer is a bath matt. Well, for those of us who have cleaned bathmats (and I'm quite sure he's NEVER so much as PEEKED under one), we know that while they might steady the feet, they still don't steady the upper part of the body. And you cannot get those sticky flowers, butterflies and other manner of things people stick to the bottom of tubs to keep you from slipping and falling on your collective, UP and OUT when you no longer want that kind of decoration, or they start to deteriorate, fade and no longer look, well--decorative.
My husband says "no" to stabilizer bar. He doesn't get that there really is a need here. I am no longer 26. Or 30, or even 40, and while I am not 60 or 80, I would feel much safer if I had something to hang onto while I wash my feet. So maybe I will buy something to sit on in the shower, so that at least I can sit down to wash the last of me. Maybe a chair in the shower. His BarquaLounger sounds like a good idea, though I don't think it would fit. My mother has a stainless and plastic stool she keeps in her shower. Of course, it takes up LOTS more room than a stabilizer bar, and maybe that's my answer. Threaten a stool in the shower if he doesn't provide a stabilizer bar. A stool that he would have to take out if he should desire to shower. It's a thought.
In the meanwhile, I sit down to put my pants on. I'll have to work on
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The Kalamazoo Festival
I spun up another bobbin of white Romney. Then started on my knitting. I didn't take a lot of pictures, but here are a few...
Early in the morning at the break of day....lalalala.
And then a little bit later...I was trying to catch the fog...but you know how slippery fog is.
And yes, they live in the same home.
Cameo shot.
But not a single picture of the bands (there were only 3) or any of the pipers or drummers or EVEN the spinners and knitters and weavers! I guess I was just too focused on my own endeavors to allow it to matter much. Indeed, the pictures I did take, were usually when I was on the way to the potty, which seemed a mile away on a hot day--even with the cool breeze.
After the whole affair was over, Ray and I drove to the Galesburg McDonald's and had a bite to eat. And on the way out, my ex and his current wife whooshed by on their motorcycle. Ray wanted to make chase, but I was driving and decided it probably wasn't a good idea. No need for the man to have just cause for suing me for stalking and harassment.
The drive home was pretty uneventful. We were chatting the whole time, but not about any serious thing, and then suddenly, we were back at my place. I'm not sure why--oh, yeah, had to hit the potty again, so I was in a hurry, and so we said hasty "goodbye" and "sayonarah", and Ray headed for his home. I stayed up late and knit myself to sleep in my chair. I put it away and fell into bed, exhausted. I was pretty exhausted the next day too. Something about the sun just drains everything out of me.
The last few days have been a blur since, and this week has gone by quite fast. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and I think that they've decided that I have a little arthritis in my lower back. This would not surprise me. And the big news at the office is that someone was raped in the vehicle parking building two blocks down. We're all a little skittish after hearing about that. Today is payday, and there's nothing on Ravelry that I absolutely must have, so I'm saving money again. Of course, you never know. Something might turn up over the weekend. Most of the better patterns are posted on the weekend. Take this one, for instance, which has sort of caught my eye, but hasn't settled in for nesting...
And it can be found here in lots of different configurations, which makes it pretty interesting.
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