Thursday, September 29, 2011

I Am SO Not Excited

And it would appear that I just can't hide it either.

I have a doctor's appointment today, and from thence, a stress test.

It's the stress test that my dreams are telling me--

You are NOT looking forward to this. Because if they do to you what they did to you the last time, you are doomed. Doomed, I tell you.

The dream was about talking with personnel, and getting told that if I behave like this again at the office, that I'll be fired. Just like that--no care, no concern--just lots and lots of undeserved stress and freaking out, and then freaking out about losing your job, and then freaking out because you're being followed by some strange man because you have no clothing and you're walking around, hunting for your car, wearing nothing but a tarp over you, scared that this guy is a serial killer or something.

And crying...lots of crying. And now, shaking like a leaf as I write this.

And my chest is just bursting--all because I'm worried about this stress test and I'm not talking about the test where they put you on a treadmill and make you walk uphill for a while to get your heartbeat up to so many beats per minute. The last time I did this test, I couldn't complete it. I got my heart rate up, but not high enough, so they did a chemical test on me.

And THAT'S the stress test I cannot do again. I simply cannot. So I MUST do the treadmill, or I might just die right there on the table.

I am stressed out. I am shaking. Physically shaking. Terrified.

And of course, the work situation doesn't help matters. Yet no one even notices that I REALLY NEED TO RETIRE. I REALLY NEED TO GO ON A MEDICAL RETIREMENT.

My husband thinks I'm acting stupid. My therapist thinks all I need is an anti-depressant. My doctor thinks I need anxiety medicine. I think I need to get away from the stress, and everything will settle back down to normal.

And of course, dwelling on it all is making it worse, but what else could I think about? Oh, gee, let's see. I could think about how my social security isn't so secure anymore. I could think about how my 401K is dropping like a stone and lost more money than I've been able to put in. I could think about my family, and how their situation is. I could think about how Jesus is coming, and I'm not ready. I could think about how the house needs a good vacuuming, and because of the stress, I can't do much by the time I get home except to sit quietly and knit. I could get angry that I didn't put enough milk in my oatmeal this morning, and so it's sticking to the roof of my mouth. I could think about the walk to work in the rain. I could...well, you get the picture. Top to bottom, I am stressed. A big rubber ball on the rocky precipice, just waiting for the next breeze.

Big, deep breath. Another.

Nope. Still not ready to go in to the office. But go I must.

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