Well, It's Official...

Everyone in the office is disturbed, which is a nice way of saying that everyone is going crazy.

Mostly me...and of course, I mirror the frustrations of the entire unit. When one piece falls apart (that's me), it seems like everyone falls apart. I can't be in 20 different places at once. My time for helping is tremendously limited. Today, I got so frustrated at not being able to just "get off the can and get on the stick" so to speak, that I drove myself into a tearful fit. When I got home, I screamed at no one all the way home, and once home, I got out my bag of potato chips and dip and sat down with my favorite comfort food, and blew my diet out of the water.

I feel like crying. I need a shoulder. Hubby came home from mowing his mother's lawn, and expected dinner, and of course, it's not made--because all I can think about is how badly I've been treated over the last 22 years. How I was supposed to get a promotion, and it was never given to me. How I've been doing so much over the last 22 years, and it's all been parceled out to other people who make more money than I ever have.

And what am I doing? Once again, paying bills and filing and answering a stupid phone, simply because people know that "Tenna knows ALL about it. Call her."

Tenna is so tired. Tenna is pretty much used up. Tenna needs a LOT of recognition in the form of promotion and working out of class for the last 22 years. Tenna needs the entire world to hold her up for a while, because right now, she's having this little bitty pity party, all by herself in her own little room, in her own little chair.

In front of her computer.

Right now is not a happy time. Right now feels like crawling into a dark room and hiding out there for about a week...or forever. Right now, forever sounds pretty good. So does the word "retirement". Any idea how much that word makes me yearn?

I've said that when my retirement date comes, there will be no holds barred. I will be off like a prom dress. And there will be no looking back. I've worked hard for this. I can't let it go, not even one more day. Right now, I'm staring into the face of some pretty bleak times, and truth be told, if Perry gets elected and takes away my social security? Frankly, truth be told, if he tries to mess with people's social security, it won't be me that assassinates him. I won't have to. There will be other baby boomers with far less social inhibitions lining up for the job. And when we vote, he will NOT get my vote. You will NOT mess with my social security. I paid into it, I SHOULD GET IT BACK. It was PROMISED to me. And I cannot--CANNOT--work until I'm 70. I will die at my desk. On purpose, just to spite you.

But right now, all I can think about is how slow everything seems to be going. How certain things are NOT getting done, and when it comes time to migrate information, information will NOT be migrated properly, and there will be one huge mess to deal with. Management thinks they have problems now?

I hate my job.I wish I had a degree so that I could get out of this hole. I wish my parents wouldn't have withdrawn their support of me, because I certainly DESERVED their support to my hopes and goals and dreams. I worked so hard. They really let me down. And I was too scared to go into that much debt when no one could promise me a job when I got out of school. And I couldn't find anything for "just the summer" that would pay well enough to put me through my next year of classes. Instead, my parent's supported my brother, who is handsome and has nice teeth--who can charm the socks off anybody while they are still in their shoes. And even today, he gets better employment, and is in management. And I'm stuck in a dead end job that gives no satisfaction whatsoever. The whole thing makes me want to barf.

The only good thing that has ever been, is that I've always had enough money to cover the bills when they came due. But once, just once, I'd like to take a real vacation--go someplace nice, stay in a nice hotel, see a show and have a ton of fun--and not have to worry whether the electric bill got paid or not because I spent the money at the casino! (Not that I spend money at the casino--I don't gamble, and don't like to gamble, it's just AN EXAMPLE.) Sadly, it seems like every time I get a little bit of money ahead, the car breaks down, or gas goes sky high, or something comes up and I can't keep it in my savings account. Every time I think I'm ahead, some invisible leg with a big, hard shoe comes and kicks me in the butt and knocks me down.

My life has sucked pretty bad, much of the time. It's pretty hard to keep a smile on my face. I know there are people out there who are far worse off than me...I'm not discounting that. It's just that it hurts me so bad when I'm passed over for promotion time after time. It makes me feel like I'm not really so well thought of--that people don't like me. And there is really nothing wrong with me, except that my smile isn't the greatest, and some things make me extremely nervous...

Like angry African Americans...or angry people in general. They scare me. What's worse, is they know it, and behave that way, just to see if it will push my buttons enough that they'll get what they want out of me.

Angry people make me cry. Angry people make me cry. It's going to get worse before it gets better. And I'm sitting here, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It will, too. Like a freaking stone.