I only have 2 rows left to do, and the bind off. I should be done today and ready to block my shawl. The anticipation is just killing me. It's only 6am, and I'm just about ready to head to the kitchen for my breakfast. I want to finish it before I head to JoAnn's for my class today.
Today's class is a little different. Today, I'm teaching children. Well, child, actually. I think there's only one signup. I hope it works, because I'm not really a good baby sitter. A good teacher, yes, but not a good baby sitter, which makes me wonder if I was a good mother at all--I think I was, but I don't think my son thinks so. At least I tried really hard to be a good mother. It was difficult, because I wasn't home most of the time due to work. Being a stay at home mom wasn't my strong suit. And I'm not much good at being close to people or animals.
I suppose I should have opted for "hermit" when they passed around the tests to score you for what you wanted to do when you grew up, instead of "Accountant". But how do you know that you absolutely can't stand being around angry people if you've never been around angry people before?
Which makes it difficult to be in close relationships, because THOSE are the ones who get angry with you (for this or that minor reason), and it's "safe" for them to do so, UNLESS you're me. Because I shut down at a certain point--you know, BEFORE you say something you're going to regret--something that MIGHT get you knocked down--something that MIGHT get back to the supervisor and get you FIRED, something that just ASTOUNDS you to the core and makes you wonder if that person is just a wee bit NUTS.
Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and THEN WORE IT for a week without washing.
I'm not good in a fight, is what I'm saying. It bears repeating. I'm not a CHICKEN, mind you. If I don't have to worry about my livelihood (divorce, fired, things like that), I'll duke it out. No problemo, seniorita. (Sorry, if I spelled that wrong.) But if it's going to kill me? Well, I will run like the devil was after me, and while you might be holding my bag, I'm gone, chicken feathers flying in the breeze--or I'll just STAND there, mystified as to why you did it--because I'm so darned analytical.
"Why did you DO that?" I'll ask.
Incredible. That kind of behavior just shuts me right down into DENIAL.
"You're supposed to love me!? Why are you treating me so badly?" Then I won't talk to you. In some cases, I won't talk to you EVER again. That doesn't mean that in a group setting (such as at the office), that I will treat you like persona non grata, but you will certainly come away with the idea:
"She doesn't seem to like me."
I can't help it. I'll shove you as far away from me as I can so that you can't hurt me again--either physically (though not usually) or mentally/emotionally/psychically (this is the norm). This isn't a good idea in familial relationships. Close relationships are too close, and are supposed to teach you the most--things like "how to GET OVER IT" and "GET OVER YOURSELF" and forgive, because that person might not be there to help you tomorrow. Bouncing back is more like being pulled back in, kicking and screaming that you don't want to go there again, because it is just too darn scary.
Yes, been thee, done that, bought the t-shirt, wore it for a week without washing it, washed it and hung it on the line to dry.
You might think I'm not good at relationships. I am. In the beginning, I am GREAT at relationships. It's the maintaining them that doesn't come easy for me. Maybe it's the dedication that I'm not so good at--or maybe I am good at it, just the other person isn't as good at it as I am, or maybe they are, but they're just better at being themselves and being "heard", sometimes LOUDLY. This of course, causes me to feel like I'm being YELLED at, which I also don't do well. Perhaps I need to be more dedicated to myself, and not quite so "scaredy-cat"? Which takes me full circle to being a chicken, because if I'm too dedicated to myself, I'll end up a hermit.
Yes, vicious cycle there.
So it shouldn't surprise me, that I draw the 3 of pentacles, marked "dedication", and of course, it's reversed. It's telling me that my dedication is going to be tested today in some respect, and I need to be careful, or things will fail. Which is how things usually work out in the end for me, when the dedication meter swings too far in my favor or in yours...the happy medium is what you want, and it doesn't always happen. At least not well, for me...
Yes, been there, done that, yada yada, and now the t-shirt has lots of holes in it from the shots people have taken at me in vengence.
Standing up for yourself is a very thin line that I don't cross often, but when I do, it's a disaster for both parties.