Sunday, July 24, 2011

It's So Hot...

The weather is 95 and hazy ..kind of like John McCain.

(he's not Hazy. He's just a little foggy.)

It was so hot today that Dick Cheney waterboarded himself.

(and it was unsuccessful)

Hillary Clinton was so hot, she was wearing her pantsuit without the pants

(Bill wasn't the one who took them off her, either.)

It's so hot that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

(Why is it that I can really see this happening? Too much Mojito's for me.)

It's so hot, today I saw a chicken lay a fried egg.

(And she left it, right there in the middle of the road--then along came Col. Sanders...)

It's so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones

(you do that, and I'll go jump in the pool, instead)

It was so hot today Floyd Landis tested positive for Snapple. 

(yeah, Snapple and Mojito)

It was so hot my cab driver was wearing an oscillating turban. 

(this was like watching the Exorcist...sort of)

It was so hot at "The View” that their new cast member is Ted Williams. 

(what? I don't get this one? Is it just because he has a big mouth with a big wind?)

It was so hot out that North Korea test launched a long range Popsicle. 

(why is it always North Korea has the great ideas?)

It was so hot today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen. 

(They had too...they corpse was thawing.)

It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner. 

(It was for his Mennonite brother in law, tho)

It was so hot Bill Clinton got a slurpee and then went to 7/11.

(Was that before or after he took off Monica's dress? And Hillary's pants?)

Cows are giving evaporated milk. 

(and you were expecting?)

its so hot, the squirrels are handling their nuts with potholders

(among other things....)

It's so hot that I have discovered that asphalt has a liquid state.

(yes, it does. That's why you see furrows in the road at the corner of Grand River Ave and Wright Rd.)

It's so hot that I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron 

(look at the bright side, you can tell people that your nickname used to be beltable betty)

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