Monday, December 3, 2007

Later that Evening

Okay, so I drew another card...the 5 of cups, entitled regret.

I ate at McDonald's tonight. I regret that--

BOY do I regret that.

My tummy hurts.

I went to "spin night" tonight. Now, spin night isn't just spinners, although we all spin to some extent, but tonight was knitters night out.

We were talking about sociopath personalities and how difficult it is to live and enjoy life after being screwed by one. There are regrets all the 5 of cups just fit right in.

We were all sitting and knitting and suddenly the conversation turns to reincarnation.

There were four of us, sitting, knitting and talking about reincarnation. Well, actually, three of the four talked about reincarnation. I don't talk about reincarnation. Lots of people believe in reincarnation. I do not subscribe to that belief system. I'm a hard liner here, and I've found that people think I'm a stoney butt for doing so--and then they won't talk to me anymore, so I don't usually state one way or the other, but the fact that I don't AGREE 100% usually tells everyone else where I sit, and so I'm the odd woman out no matter what I do. Or perhaps I'm just odd to begin with...?

It's strange to hear that, I suppose, considering that I read Tarot cards. I've never really subscribed 100% to THEIR veracity either. It's odd that they seem to know things, but then, lately, they have only known about the past, which I can easily reflect on. Unfortunately, the future is just too ambiguous, and due to choices is constantly changing--and therefore more difficult to would be nice if it were clear cut and precise--you pull a card, it says you're going to have a car accident so you don't drive anywhere that day. Of course, what, then, if it's predicting a week or a year or more from today?

I suppose the future can't be written in stone...which is difficult for those of us who would appreciate some real guidance now and then, with a clear idea of when to keep our mouths SHUT and when NOT to attend that party... we're back to the 5 of cups.

But we talked about sociopaths, as I was saying, and of course, my thoughts turned to my ex--who has been on my mind of late--of course, this always happens around Christmastide, because we were married just 3 days after Christmas. I call it the anniversary from hell now. I find myself wishing that my current hubby liked Christmas--it would make the holiday much happier for me, but he is rather like Scrooge. He won't help me put up the tree. He doesn't help put up the decor, and I've got a LOT of decor! Somehow, it's just not as fun as when it's done "together". And I've been thinking about that feeling, too. Feeling "together", I mean. With my ex--there wasn't much we didn't do together--with my current hubby, there's not much we do together at all. The incongruity is like the Grand Canyon is wide. So I feel a little on the lonely side. A little on the "alone" side--as if I've been left behind or something like that--and the conversation over reincarnation only served to enhance that feeling of being set apart and different.

There aren't so many folks out there who believe the way I do. I hear you. You're asking me "so what is it you believe?"

That's another story alltogether--and one that I am continually told (by those who espouse the opposite views), that it's just a myth...a story...a piece of fiction written down by a few wanna-be's who decided that the fools and their money were soon parted, and where best to put that money? Uh, yeah.

So you guess. Oh, heck. You believe in God. Yes, I believe in God. But lots of people believe in God--don't they? Sadly, I think they believe they believe in God, but many really don't, at least not by the way I believe in God. And before you get all mad and try to tell me what makes my faith so much more accurate than yours....I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that you really can't believe in God, and then turn around and say you believe in reincarnation. It just doesn't FIT the paradigm. There just isn't room for God in a belief system that espouses reincarnation. Sure, there are those of you out there in blogger land who think I'm an idiot--a reactionary, overly conservative from the dark ages, ready to beset all of you with the Crusades, etc etc, ad infinitum. Frankly, I'm not at all about that. Believe what you want--in the end, we'll both find out what's truth and what isn't. Quite honestly, considering my inability to forget what my sociopath ex husband did to me, I probably won't see heaven (if there is one) anyway! But that's what identifies me as who I am. Even though I figure there is not so much redeemable about me, I still HOPE that there is.

And I suspect it's that hope what sets me apart. There are days when I am certain that I'm going to hell, going straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

So what card do I pull just now?
The Druid. AKA Heirophant.

I hate it when these cards seem to know what's been going on with me.

No comments: